VILLAINESS [TWD]

𝖊𝖑𝖑𝖎𝖊

being alone with one's thoughts can either fulfill or destroy someone.

i'd spent years being afraid of that sinister voice in my head.

it wasn't pride or confidence that it stemmed from.

it was pain. anger. sadness. isolation. self-loathing. hatred for the world. confusion.

the times i remember it coming out most were always times of confusion.

there was a piece of me that wanted something to happen to carl the day of the lineup. the part that was disappointed that he, rick, and michonne got off ona. warning when glenn was killed by someone else's mistake. but, he was my best friend and i wasn't thinking clearly.

there was a part of me that wanted to kill the governor. after all he had put mom, glenn, and us through. then, he killed grandpa. there was a piece of me that wanted to burn his dead body alive. that wanted to cut him into bits and feed him to walkers. but, i was too young to understand the things i was feeling.

there was a part of me that liked the feeling of killing those saviors that had mom and i hostage. a part that liked that i didn't hesitate to kill michelle. but, i just thought that i was protecting my family.

there was a part of me that didn't care that spencer was killed by negan. even despite the hours we spent outside searching for deanna. but, i still felt lonely without his daily walks and company.

there was a part of me that wanted to kill tara after finding out she was on the other side of the fence that day. i didn't want to even dream about forgiving her, let alone trusting her. there was a part of me that looked back now and wondered if i had killed her then, would she not have suffered so much. that i wouldn't have to suffer the painful loss of another friend. but, i thought i was respecting grandpa's wishes by forgiving her.

there was a part of me that wanted to kill daryl for getting glenn killed. that didn't want to forgive him and admit that he made a mistake. but, he was family and i was just blinded by grief.

there was a part of me that wanted nicholas to be alive that time i went searching fo glenn just so i could kill him. a part that thought he had too easy of a way out and he should've suffered more. but, i was just angry that he had gotten noah killed and missed noah greatly.

there was a part of me that was ready to kill rick the day of the lineup. the part that ran at him with the axe. but, glenn's death was fresh and i didn't know where to direct that anger.

the sinister voice led to intrusive thoughts. those led to horrible actions, like i was possessed.

sitting in this old cabin, that i realized at night was leah's old cabin i had stumbled upon all those years ago, i was forced to be alone with that voice.

it was neither myself or someone i knew. it said that leah was right. that i am weak. it said that there was no fixing the things i've broken, no matter how hard i try.

it said that negan wasn't what made me strong. that glenn's death didn't make me strong or cold.

it said that negan broke me. that glenn's death made me weak and incapable.

it said that i would never be as strong as beth.

that i deserved to lose grandpa.

that my dad, my hero, died for nothing because i am worth nothing.

i hate the voice.

i wanted to hard to prove it wrong.

i survived out of spite for so long. so many years on the road.

brandon was my friend, my brother. and i killed him when he thought i was choosing and protecting him. that was strong of me.

carl was my best friend. my brother. and i killed him because i didn't want him to suffer the fate that he saved me from. that was strong of me.

tara was an enemy that had the guts to tell me where she really came from. then, she was one of the most beloved friends i'd ever had. it was strong of me to forgive her.

my own mother was once a family member that i loathed. i learned the truth of who she really is. and it was strong of me to accept her and grow together.

anna was a stranger that came from another world in alexandria. it was strong of me to love her and fight to be with her despite my insecurities and fear of the world.

glenn was a nobody with boundary issues. i didn't like how hard he tried. now, i only wish that i had tried harder when we had the time. it was strong of me to accept him into the family and love him- admit that he was special to me.

rick was a survivor that needed help. i threw so much trouble and cruel words at him when we first met. then, i blamed him for the things i'd lost. it was strong of me to want to go out into the dangerous world and look for him, if only to apologize for the ways i'd wronged him.

it was strong of me to admit that i was afraid of the governor.

it was strong of me to not look negan in the eyes.

it was strong of me to survive despite all the horrible things i'd been through.

i had to prove that voice wrong.

and to do that, i'd have to mess up more things. i'd have to hurt more people. i'd have to hate the choices i'd made.

but, mom fought so hard so that i had the ability to make choices. she wants me to have my own journey. my own life. not to be confined by previous societal structures or the new world order. it would be cruel of me to have her fight so hard and not see it through to the end.

there was no high daze anymore. i was sober and aware of the things I'm doing.

there was no dead family member i confided in. it was just me and my own thoughts.

there was no black-and-white area of what to do. it was all my own choice to make, no one else's.