The Cold She-wolf

Chapter Eighty-nine: help me stop hurting you

Merlynn's POV

   I huddled myself against the half-dead tree, my mind reciting different poems to prevent myself from thinking about what happened a few hours ago. I couldn't exactly stop myself, not when I could taste bile and could feel my heart weighing more than every weight I'd carried. I made a mistake, I shouldn't have told her yet. The words came out.

   Damnit! I knew she would react like that, I knew she would shut me out if I told her about love. She was still getting used to emotions and I blew it with my big mouth. Of course, she wouldn't understand after I foolishly professed my undying love for her brother not too long ago. It would have been easier to explain if I could tell her that I mistook my love for her for Frost because they were twins, but I couldn't. If only I could tell her that, then she'd understand me.

   To Krystal, I should be learning to fall in love with her but she forgot that we were damn werewolves. The mate bond speeds up the process and I've always been in love with her, I just had the wrong face to go with it. Now I had the real one, it wasn't hard for my heart and mind to correct the error. If only I could tell her, then she would understand. I'm not like her, I'm not accustomed to heartlessness.

   Yes, I'm selfish, yes, I'm self-centered, or rather, was. But compared to Krystal, I was good. I knew she'd need time to accept her feelings before I told her about mine, so she wouldn't shift to the default setting but I ended up blurting it out. I was just so happy. After everything I'd endured with the misplaced love with Frost, I couldn't contain my joy. I finally had a lover of my own, one I could touch and care for openly without making up excuses. One I didn't have to pine for. One who accepted my all with no sign of reluctance. I should have been more careful.

   I knew she would return to normal after a couple of days, or maybe a week, but I was frightened. Memories of the painful yearning for Frost kept slipping into my consciousness and making me picture being treated like that by Krystal. I imagined every bit of the pain I felt with Frost. Watching him galavant with women, pining over him, going to bed every night with wistful desires, concealing my true feelings for him. I imagined all of that happening with Krystal and it made me realize that the pain I thought I went through with Frost was nothing compared to what I would go through if that were to happen with Krystal.

   As depressing as it was, I already saw myself committing suicide. I already had seventeen scenarios of death, three being the only true possible means of death for me. I imagined the pain of rejection so deep I started to feel it, and then memories of my mother's death returned along with the pain. I couldn't lose Krystal, not like I lost her.

   The house became too stuffy, and the fact that she disappeared from the house made me feel even worse. I knew the truth, I knew she wasn't going to abandon me, but I couldn't stop myself from feeling that way. Call it pathetic, call ME pathetic, but losing the people I love has always been my greatest fear, and I still wasn't over it.

   My father would laugh at me if he saw me in the state that I was in. Heck, I was laughing at myself. I ruined my happiness with just three words. I thoughtlessly took myself back to square one. I was hoping to take her to my father. He must have felt her presence in the pack bond. I wanted to show her off with my marks all over her, but now I was the laughingstock. How truly disgraceful.

   "Brother?" Oh fuck! I didn't want her to see me like this. I didn't want any of them to see me like this. "Don't run!" She screamed before I could make a run for it as I planned. "Please, don't go, stay right there," I sighed defeated, then lifted my left knee so I could rest my elbow to support my face with my hand.