Finding Myself ✓

Chapter 38: Pure intentions.

Phiwokuhle's POV

I don't know if i should tell her somethings or everything. Slowly but surely she is cracking up my walls and my facade is slowly falling apart and i don't know if I'm happy about that. I just hope I can trust her cause she did say she will hold me down. "Phiwo you crying." she says. I didn't even realise a tear escaped. I quickly wipe away the tear and she strokes my cheek gently.

"Talk to me." she says. "I'm scared." "There is nothing wrong with being vulenrable. I won't ever judge you for being who you are or opening up to me." I sigh. "Okay I'll also open up about some of my stuff." "Really?" "Yeah. If that's going to help." "It will." "Talk to me."

I'll start with the one thats easier to talk about. "I was molested." I say. "By who?" she asks. "My dad's best friend used to molest me since I was 12 and he stopped last year." "I'm sorry about that. Do you blame yourself?" "I do. Maybe I gave him the wrong impression and he interpreted that into something totally different."

"Listen here it's not your fault. I don't want you to ever blame yourself for such. The person at fault is the perpetrator. There is no such thing as wrong impression, just because you decided that you want to wear a short skirt doesn't mean you were trying to invite them to touch you in anyway." she says. "He always tells me I'm pretty and i wish I was ugly then maybe he wouldn't have been interested." I say.

"Whether pretty or ugly he would have done it. Men like them are sick in the head. Never blame yourself for this because it wasn't your fault and it will never be your fault." she says. "You right. I let him continue with me because he wanted to hurt my little sister and he mistook that as me enjoying this whole thing." I say. "You such a strong person."

"I'm not." I say. "You are sthandwa sami. You protected your sister cause you didn't want her to go through what you went through and i commend you for that." she says and i smile a little. It means so much to me that she said that. "So you don't view me as damaged goods?" "I'll never view you as one. I've also been through that." "When?"

"Some time last year, if my brother didn't arrive sooner I think I would have been raped. I blamed myself after it happened and my parents took me to therapy and the therapist helped me realise that it wasn't my fault and it will never be my fault." she says and i wipe away her tears. We both understand the pain the other one is feeling.

"I'm sorry about that. Is that one of reasons why you are lesbian or you've always known you one?" I ask. "No, I've always known that I am one. That guy wanted to rape me because I told him I'm lesbian and he said that's an evil thing so he will fuck it off of me." she answers. "Men are evil." "They are. It took time for me to trust men or boys."

"You pushed everyone away." I say. "I did. I never talked to my brothers and dad for the longest time because I was scared that they would do the same to me." she says. "I don't want to attend therapy." "You have to deal with the pain someway." "I can't Ayesha. I don't want to relieve my trauma again. I'm okay with pushing it to the back of my head and pretending everything is okay."

"But for how long?" she asks. "For as long as i have to." I answer. "I also didn't feel comfortable going to a therapist but I got used to it in the end and look how it helped me. I'm no longer harbouring the pain and anger inside. I also don't blame myself because I know it will never be my fault." I sigh.

"Can we talk about something else." I say. "Its fine. What do you want to talk about?" she asks. "When did you realise that you lesbian?" "Around 9 or 10." "You always played with boys toys." "Nope not at all. I actually hated boys toys. I liked dressing up as a boy though and liked playing man of the house when we played those games cause I could get to kiss the girls."