Finding Myself ✓

Chapter 66: Fake smiles.

Phiwokuhle's POV

I blink away the tears that are threatening to escape. He pulls away from the hug and kisses my forehead. "Don't cry everything is okay." says Phiwokwakhe and i nod because I'm out of words. Are things okay though? Everyone's lives are progressing mines too but sometimes I feel like I'm still there. Time is moving slowly I'm still at that incident but in real life we are way passed that.

I try to convince myself and tell myself that it's over and that I'm okay but it's hard sometimes. There are those days where I feel like crawling back to my dark hole and go back to harming myself but then i remember my family, girlfriend and friends need me. Everyday I'm fighting an internal battle to stay alive and it's hard it's really hard. I'm trying not to give up but it isn't easy I don't wanna lie.

I can never look at my body for too long in the mirror because my mind automatically goes back to that night that changed my life and how I view things in this world. It's just that things will never be the same and sometimes I just wear a mask and pretend that everything is fine so people around me don't have to worry because i know I have put them through a lot by shutting them out and i don't want to do it again so I fake it.

I walk back to the changing room and change back into the clothes I was wearing when I arrived. I sit on the mini bench so I can try and collect my thoughts and gather my emotions. I really don't want to break down at a store. I wipe away some of the tears and fan myself using my hands so I can try and calm down.

I manage to calm down after ten minutes and i take a deep breath and exhale slowly. It's okay it really is okay. I have come too far now I shouldn't give up. I take the dress and walk back to where the others are sitting. I hand Missy the dress and she thanks me. "So we taking this one?" asks mom. "Yes we taking this one." I answer and she smiles.

Phiwokwakhe comes out of the changing room and he looks like he has been crying too. I wonder what is wrong with him. He gives his suit to Missy and we walk to the till and pay for our stuff and leave. As I'm walking I bump into Kwenzo and i smile and greet him. He is walking with his family and they all look alike I don't want to lie.

"Ma I'm hungry." says Mandisa. "We will pass by Mc Donalds and buy some takeaways." says mom. We get to the car and mom unlocks it and i get inside. She brings the ignition to life and drives off. I connect my phone to the radio and shuffle my playlist and the song 34+35 (remix) by Ariana Grande ft Doja Cat and Megan thee Stallion starts playing.

"Such a inappropriate song in front of ma." says Mandisa. "Don't pretend like you don't jam to these songs when you are alone." says mom and we laugh. "I'd rather do it behind closed doors though." "I'd rather do it in front of her so she knows." I say. "Ama 2k are unique."

"Okay you 1999 child." I say and they laugh. "Mxm." We pass by Mc Donalds and we buy our food and continue with the drive back home. We get home and i take my stuff and the keys and go to open the gate and garage. After opening the gate and garage I go and open the door and i get inside the house. I walk to the kitchen and leave the keys on the counter and walk to my room.

I put my dress in the closet and change out of my clothes and wear my pjamas. I take out my phone from my clutch bag and i plug it in the charger. I check my messages and i find one from Ayesha.

Babe😍❤: How are you?
Me: I'm okay and you.
Babe😍❤: I'm good. Did you find the dress you wanted?
Me: I did and i love it.
Babe😍❤: If you love it then I know for sure I will faint when I see you in it.
Me: 😂😭. Just make sure you have a medical aid that covers for hospital expenses.