Finding Myself ✓

Chapter 59: Define you.

Phiwokuhle's POV

"Mama please don't cry." I say. Now she's making me feel bad about this. "Phiwokuhle you are harming yourself again and i didn't notice it again. What kind of mother am I." she says. "A good one." "No I'm not. I failed to notice that you have started harming yourself again." I shake my head no. "I'm sorry mama." "I'm the one that should be sorry not you." I sit next to her and pull her in for a hug.

"I'm sorry." I say. "It's not your fault Phiwokuhle stop apologising. Why didn't you tell me that you doing it again?" she asks. "I didn't want to disappoint you. I know how hard you tried to make me stop harming myself and now I've gone back to my old ways." "That's not an excuse Phiwokuhle. I'm your mother I'm supposed to know everything."

"I'm sorry." I wipe away some of tears and walk out of the bathroom. I see Mandisa wiping away some of her tears and Phiwokwakhe pulls me in for a hug. "Why are you shutting us out?" asks Phiwokwakhe. I try to push him away but he tightens his grip around me. "Phiwokuhle stop pushing us away. Let us be there for you. I tried giving you space because I didn't wanna seem invasive but this is too much. You harming yourself and i can't allow you to continue."

"Leave me alone." I say. "I'm not leaving you alone. All of us here won't sit and watch you fade away. We've already done enough watching and it stops now. Stop shutting us out Phiwokuhle otherwise I will never forgive myself if you try and kill yourself." he says. "Please just leave me alone." I feel his tears wet my shoulder and that causes me to release my own tears. I'm tired of crying at this  point.

"Why can't you see that we love you Phiwokuhle. We love you and we just want you to be okay. Please stop shutting us out and let us in. I know it won't erase what happened neither will you heal overnight but just try for my sake and for everyone that cares. Ayesha is hurting because you shutting her out, nkunku is hurting especially mom. I'm also hurting as your twin. Just please come back to us and we will help you." he says.

Mom walks out of the bathroom with razors and i push Phiwokwakhe away. "Mama don't throw them away." I say. "No." "Mama please! I want to throw them away myself." "I don't care Phiwokuhle." she says. "You guys don't understand my pain. Do you think it's nice being here physically but emotionally and mentally I'm somewhere else. I also miss you guys but it's not easy to just let you in. Me harming myself is the only way I can escape and feel better. Just please mama bring those things back." "No."

She throws them away and i walk to the bathroom and lock the door and let out a piercing scream. How does she expect me to survive without cutting myself? Cutting is the only way I get to numb the internal pain for a little while. She doesn't even understand how i feel in fact nobody does they all just lying when they say I'll be okay cause I doubt I will ever heal from this. "We no longer swimming." says mom.

£

"Phiwokuhle open the door." says mom. "No." "I don't want to break this door cause I don't have money to replace it." I sigh. I can't believe I passed out in the bathroom. I stand up and stretch myself and unlock the door. I get out and plop myself on the bed. "Come and get ready so we can eat." "I'm not hungry." "I know you are hungry Phiwokuhle let's go." "You took my things and threw them away."

"I had to because I don't want you to do what I did. You can be angry for as long as you like but I'm not changing my mind. You will cope without them." says mom. "Just go." I say. "I'll bring you takeaways." She kisses my forehead and cheek and walks out. Once the door closes I go to the bin and look for my razors but they are not there. She must have taken them with her. Fuck!