Saving You

XXI

*Finally a soft chapter in between the storm*

P.o.v. Tina:

       I only accepted to come here because Heidi is still at her own house recovering from not eating. I still don't want to see her. Ok, I am worried, but it's called "self preservation". She has good people taking care of her whose side job is to tell me how she's doing, so I don't have to worry. Sometimes I even receive some photos of her from Charlotte just to keep me even more updated, so I guess I'm doing good in forgetting her. Understand the irony. It's also too soon to even think about forget her, it all happened yesterday. I feel too much to forget so quickly, or maybe to forget at all.

       I'm nervous. This is Marima and Patrick's house. She and Charlotte are Heidi's best friends and I just hurt her. I know they like me and I know they've been by my side since that happened. I mean she hurt me, but I must have hurt her too or she wouldn't have gone to the hospital. I probably did something wrong, it's probably my fault. It's always my fault. I just don't understand what I did and what my mistakes were. I always try to respect her and make her comfortable, even loved, so I just can't understand how what's happening is my fault, but it probably is.

       I don't need to question myself more because they open the door. The first thing I see is Heidi lying on the couch. The audacity of this woman! I have the urge to just go back home, but Nudee holds my hand and slowly pulls me forward. I'm fucked. How am I supposed to ignore her and ignore my own aching heart when she's there looking adorable in her pajamas?  

       All night I try to get away from her, even if I feel her longing stares and catch her looking at me across the room. There's nothing to long for if she was the one who pushed me away. She looks pale, scared and weak. I feel the urge to just forget everything that happened between us and cradle her in my arms like I used to, but I forbid myself from doing so. She's not mine to protect. She told me to leave her alone so I must do that. Even if it hurts.

       No one seemed uncomfortable with her presence, so I might be in the wrong. I feel a bit betrayed by Nudee and P'Fa. They saw how hurt I was, how hurt I still am and still choose to deliberately put me in the same room as her. Because I know they knew. They're traitors. I still love them, but they're traitors. At least they're not trying to make us talk. They're giving us space, so we're both quiet. Heidi's playing with Sito and I'm just pretending to be fine, which takes a lot of effort. They are all talking between themselves, Nudee is texting that girl Chompoo no one has met yet and Patrick has been making small conversation with me too, he's a great guy. All these people in the same room and I still feel lonely without her.

       The night was long and got even worse when Marima invited us to come back tomorrow. Not that I don't want to be with them, I just don't want to be with her. My heart wants to, my mind tells me to get as far as possible. I just don't want to come tomorrow, but I know they'll find a way to bring me here, so I just accept my fate. At least I'll see with my own eyes how she's doing.

       The day was horrible because I couldn't keep her out of my mind. The marks she left on me slowly fading out of my skin. At least Kevin has been keeping his distance. I hate him. I have never hated someone this much. I don't think I've ever even hated someone. I swear if he did something to her… I'll kill him with my bare hands! I don't care if I go to jail. At least people will finally be safe.

       She's lying on the couch again, but this time she's sleeping. Just a fucking t-shirt that hugs her body perfectly. How am I supposed to look away? She stirs a bit in her sleep and I swear I heard her say my name. I'm probably going crazy. At least she looks better, her face less pale. I resist the urge to ask Marima if she's been feeding her, wouldn't she wake up and hear my concern. It's also not as if I haven't asked her that a hundred times. I already know that she has, but Heidi is still not eating much. She cries for most of the day and sleeps the rest, probably tired from all the tears. I feel bad, but I don't know what I did. Is she even crying because of me? Is it something else? I don't even know.