the new baller in town

~31~

They've gone, their really gone, I'm not gonna see them again for a while well not in person anyway, they called when they landed and when they got home, which I was very glad for.
That one panic attacks has been the first of many recently and I'm not sure why, or when this started happening again, but I don't like it, before the last match yesterday I had one, during half time, cause I was underperforming in my head, I need psychological help I think, well I'm a little fucked in the head I'm not going to lie, I mean its pretty obvious.
"El," ona says snapping me out of a trance," we need to talk," she say, well shit, here we go.
"About what," I say with the pretend obliviousness to the statement.
"You know exactly what el, these recurring panic attacks, it's not normal, what's brought this on," she asks.
"Honestly, I don't know, but it needs to stop, I'm exhausted all the time," I mumble with my head in my hands.
"Ella, talk to me please, you've been avoiding everyone recently, Alexia is worried, I'm worried," she says her voice wobbling.
"Do you think I should take a month away from football, like go see Leah, cause I need my sister around, she's one of the only people that can stop this, thats how I did it before, this happened a while ago, when Leah first moved out, I wasn't old enough to play in the academy more than once a week so I stayed at home then this started to happen and I moved in with Leah and it all stopped, maybe its a bit of separation anxiety, but I'm going to spend some time with Leah, not even Alessia just my sister, and my mum who I haven't seen in nearly a year, actually just over a year, closer to two, cause I moved out here before I turned 18 I turn 19 in a few days ona, Im sorry, but once my contract is up I think I'm gonna go back to England, but that isn't for another 2 years, but I just need a month with my family, that's all," I say in tears and short of breath.
"El," she says pulling me into her and hugging me as I cry into her chest with her just holding me," remember to breathe, your ok,I'll book your flights and fly back with you so your not alone on the plane ok, don't worry,"she says as I fall asleep still with tear stained cheeks," you are my best friend el, I really hope you ok," she whispers.

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Well I'm out for a month, I spoke to Barca and they agreed it was best for me, they saw how I was and said to make sure I was mentally ok before I bring myself back into the football world.
Ona did what she said, she flew me to the UK made sure I got to Leah's door ok and flew back in the same day.
"Hey," I say to Leah as she opens the door, I really hope it's just her, or maybe her and lia.
"What the fuck," she says hugging me.
"Hi," I say again.
"Hey, are you ok," she asks as she shuts the door.
"I'm not great to be honest, I needed to see you and I need to see mum, I mean I haven't seen her since I before I moved out to Barca at 17, I turn 19 in a few days, Leah help please," I say tears forming again in my eyes.
"Ella," wally say appearing from around the corner.
"Hey," I say hugging her back as she wrapped her arms around me," does Alessia know your here," she asks.
"Nope, and shes not going to for a while, I'm staying out of the way, and spending time with family," I say resting my head on her chest as we lay on the sofa.
"Ella, you have to tell her," she says.
"Actually I don't, I've barely heard from her since you guys left and we technically aren't a couple, yet, but I'm only here so I can get rid of this anxiety cause I can't play football like this," I mutter slightly annoyed.
"Ok I'm sorry, wait, what," she say shocked.
"El, have you been having more panic attacks," Leah says putting her hand on my shoulder.
"Yeh, just before matches, during half time, and during training, so alot but I came home hoping to fix it, I don't know if I can continue like this, I'm exhausted constantly," I say as I listen to Wally's heart beat which calms my breathing and reduces my own heart rate to match hers.
"Ok, el, when do you want to go see mum," she asks me.
"Maybe on my birthday, you know for the first time in two years," I mumble my eyes feeling heavy.

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Well my birthday was the first day I haven't had a panic attack, I saw my mum and honestly I realised how much I had missed her, it's now 3 days after that and I'm only having 2 a day instead of 5, so that's goodish, well it's better than it was, hopefully this will all stop and I can go back home to Barca. One thing I did notice was Alessia didn't message me on my birthday, I mean it's not like I expected it but something would've been nice. But I guess it is what it is.
"Hey, can I come to the arsenal training ground with you today," I ask Leah as she is getting ready to leave.
"Yeh if you want, why though,"she questions.
"Just need to do some exercise, can't be sat around all the time now can I, do you think Jonas will mind," I say.
"Nah I'm sure it will be fine, but what about Alessia,"  she mentions.
" what about her Leah, haven't heard, haven't seen her, she isn't making an effort so neither will I,"