the new baller in town

~76~

It's been a week, and I've kinda fallen into a slump but I manage to fake it around Alessia and when she leaves I just accept it, its like I can't stop the tears falling.
" Hey I'm home," Alessia shouts coming through the door, shit, I wipe the tears quickly but not quick enough, " baby," she says coming over and hugging me so my head rests on her chest.
"I'm sorry," I mumble the tears falling onto her shirt.
"Don't apologise, ok, I love you, I'm here for you just talk to me ok," she says running her fingers through my hair.
"I don't know how to explain how I feel, I feel like I.... I'm not good enough for you, for any of this. Why did you say yes to me, you shouldn't have," I say pulling away from her and grabbing my crutches and heading for the door.
"Ella please don't go, I need you," she says catching up with me, it's not like it's hard.
"I need to talk to leah, I'll see you tomorrow," I say closing the front door and calling a Uber, she shouldn't have said yes to me, she shouldn't have, she is so far out of my league.
"Please don't go," I hear her say from behind the door.
" I love you," I mumble. I know she can't hear me but nothing makes it hurt less to know I'm hurting the person I love most in the world.

_______________________________________

"Leah," I shout as I come through her door, I have tears in my eyes again and have since I left alessia at home.
"Hey Ella," Viv says I guess there is more of them here," you ok," she asks looking at me.
"Yes, no, I don't know, Is Leah home or," I stutter my breathing not at a normal rate.
"I need you to breathe Ella," she says placing her hands on my shoulders," Leah," Viv shouts and she comes in and immediately hugs me.
"It's ok," she says hugging me as I cry.
"Ella what's going on," Viv asks worried.
"Can I tell you later, I umm..." I say still struggling to breathe.
"Of course sweetie," she says rubbing my arm before leaving Leah and I to talk.

_______________________________________

Leah and I are sat in her room with me in tears again, I still feel bad for how I just left my fiancé in our hallway.
"Ella talk to me," she says resting her arm around my shoulder.
" I feel dead, I feel nothing, I only feel pain now because I just told my fiancé she shouldn't have said yes to me, I left her crying in the hallway, all I want is for everything to stop hurting, when will it stop Leah," I ask my eyes still letting tears fall.
"I don't know, you deserve the world and Alessia is your world, I know you love her and I know how much she loves you, do you feel like you want everything to stop or do you feel like you want it to end," she says her voice wobbling at the prospect of the second one.
"I umm, I...," I can't bring my self to say it.
"I know the answer el," she says her eyes now having tears in her eyes as well," please don't, please don't do it Ella, you have so many people that love you," she says hugging me tightly.
"I'm not going to do it, I just feel like the world has ended again, football is my outlet and my outlet isn't something I can do at the moment and won't be able to for a while, my world isn't working, I feel like I'm not good enough for my fiancé, I'm not enough for her, for any of you," I say my head feeling like it's going to explode.
"Can I come in," wally says knocking on the door. I nod to leah and she gets up to open the door,"Ella," she says with sad eyes.
I lay back on the bed with my hands covering my face. Wally lays next to me and I rest my head on her shoulder, the Leah lays on my other side.
"Why can't it all stop," I mumble into the room.
"You don't deserve this Ella, this isn't fair," wally says hugging me.

_______________________________________

"Can someone drive me home, I need to talk to my fiancé," I ask wall or Leah since I fell asleep on them.
"I'll take you home el," wally says handing me my crutches.
"Please don't do anything stupid Ella," she says hugging me tightly as she walked me to my door.
"I won't, I promise," I say some tears in my eyes, I don't know why I'm making a promise I know I can't keep. But I'll try, I'll try and keep it for wally cause I know it isn't just about me anymore.
"You can't make promises you can't keep Ella, you call me if you need to I don't mind what time of the day just call, talk to alessia say how you feel," she says getting ready to leave.
"Ok, thank you Lia," I say hugging her before she leaves.

_______________________________________

As I come into the house I see she had fallen asleep with tears running down her face in the sofa. I lay down next to her and place one hand on her
Waist and cuddling into her.
I fall asleep gently rubbing my hand up her side my fingers tracing patterns as I do.
"I'm sorry," I whisper moving her t-shirt off her shoulder and kissing it," I'm so sorry lessi ."
I hate the fact I made her cry, I should be a better girlfriend. Shit fiancé. I'm a horrible person.
" You came back," she says rolling over with a small smile across her face making her cheeks have little dimples.
"I'll always come back, I'm sorry I left I'm a shit fiancé Alessia I don't know how to explain how I feel at the moment," I say leaning my head against her chest.
"Just try," she say placing one hand on the back of my head and the other on my lower back.
"Ok um, I feel like the world's ending and my head is going to either cave in or explode, I feel like I'm not good enough for you, for the team and I can't even use my outlet which is football since I'm injured, and Im just getting in my head and I want it all to stop," I say tears in my eyes.
"You my love, are the most important person in my life, you are the best thing for me I am so in love with you it is ridiculous, please don't ever feel like you can't talk to me ok, and remember I am always here for you, and yes I should've said yes to you ok, I wouldn't have had it any other way, I love you Ella, always remember that," she says wiping my tears and kissing the top of my head as she rubs my back." I love you Ella," she whispers as I fall sleep.