N0 B0DY, N0 CRIM3 | Bang Chan

Broken, battered, bruised

Kiera lost control. She flung the water bottle Chan had given her at the camera. It smacked the tripod and sent it careening backwards. With a soft thump, the camera hit the wooden floor. Kiera sunk into herself as she wrapped her arms around her body. Silent tears streamed down her face. 

She sucked in a shaky breath and rubbed her hands up and down her shoulders. Her bottom lip quivered while she tried to keep her sobs contained. Biting down on the inside of her cheek, she stared at the floor. Chan ignored the camera and headed to her. 

He wanted to ask her if she was okay, but he knew she wasn't. It was obvious from her actions, she was distraught. She was trying to self-sooth and mask the pain, but it was as clear as day. He stood behind her and debated what he should say. 

Kiera was sitting at a small square folding table that Chan brought inside the room for her. Her back was against one of his eggshell-white side walls. She felt his comforting presence and sniffled. "Why didn't they protect me? They were my parents." 

"I don't know." It was the truth, he didn't know. "They say every child deserves parents, but not every parent deserves a child. I wish I had all the answers for you, but I don't. All I can say is I'm sorry. You deserved to have parents who listened to you. People who validated your feelings and supported you." 

His voice came out quiet. "Unfortunately, I can't turn back time and make things different for you. If I could, I'd do it in a heartbeat, but I can't." 

More tears ran down Kiera's cheeks. "At the end of the day, I just wanted to be loved. I wanted to be supported and cared for. I wanted validation and I craved attention. I existed, but yet I didn't. My existence was only important when it came to political events and family imagery." She wiped away the tears on her cheeks. "Was it too much to ask to be loved? Am I flawed? Is there something wrong with me?" 

"Hey," Chan's soft voice wrapped around her like a warm hug. He reached out and gently gripped the bottom of her chin with his thumb and pointer finger. He tilted her head up, so she could face him. "You're not flawed and there is nothing wrong with you. The way you were treated wasn't your fault. It had nothing to do with you and everything to do with them." 

Chan knew this feeling all too well. After his father died, he experienced it. The thoughts and feelings of being worthless. The wonder of deciding whether life was worth living or not. To be wrapped in thoughts of self-pity. One right after the other. Every thought was like a stake through the heart. 

Not good enough. Unlovable. Worthless. A mistake. If your parents can't accept you, then why would anyone else? Chan was lulled to sleep night after night with his self-confidence and self-worth shattered. In his dreams, his father chased him with an ax and screamed his brain's negative thoughts at him. His own brain turned against him and it took months before he felt partially whole again. 

"You were vulnerable and you talked about something traumatic that happened to you." Chan pushed a piece of stray hair behind her ear. "It takes a lot of courage to speak the truth. I think this is just one of the many parts of healing. It'll take a while, but you should be proud of yourself. We'll take it one step at a time." 

"Why couldn't they protect us?" Kiera's voice was void of emotions. "We were just kids. We didn't know anything and they..." 

"I know." 

The sound of another sniffle filled the air. Kiera's bloodshot eyes met Chan's. "Is it awful to say I want to go back to it? I wish I could go back to being a kid and be oblivious to it all." 

"I understand what you mean. Sometimes I have this dream where my mom makes me breakfast in the morning. She wakes me up and leads me to the kitchen. The two of us talk and talk and talk, but then I wake up. I realize I'll never experience that again and it's a hard pill to swallow." 

"I want to go back for one more day. One more day of childhood innocence before it shattered. One more day to say good-bye to Jennie. A final swing at the local park. One more lap around the monkey bars while my mom filmed me laughing. Back before politics had sunk her teeth into her and she changed." 

She paused for a few moments. More tears filled her glossy eyes. "I mourn the person that I could have been. The person I should have been. The one with supportive parents and the one with an abundance of love instead of cruelty. I feel like I've been set up for failure." 

"You're not going to fail, I won't let you." Chan's words caused her heart to ache. "If you fall, I'll catch you and help you stand up again. That's what we do around here, you know?" 

Chan's lips met the top of her forehead. She closed her eyes and soaked it in. After a few seconds, he pulled away and wrapped his arms around her body. "If you need to cry it out, I'll be right here." 

Kiera nodded. 

"I'll always have your back."