Predestined - JENSOO - ENGLISH VERSION

Chapter 23

"How was your week, Jennie?" my therapist says as soon as I sit down in the armchair opposite her.

"Tiring." I let out a sigh.

"Why?"

"It seems that in this final stretch the pressure is increasing, my anxiety seems worse, it's too difficult and troubled, there are moments when I think I'm going to freak out and it's not even a meme this time."

"When you talk about this pressure, do you mean the pressure of the medical course itself, the pressure from your family or the pressure you put on yourself?"

"All." I think for a few seconds "In addition to the internship, exams and assignments, I'm also trying to study to pass the medical residency exam."

"Just college is already demanding, isn't it?"

"Yes." I say and remain silent. She adjusts her glasses on her face and stares at me until she lets out a sigh, looking like she's given up on something.

"Today I wanted us to talk about something that we rarely cover and I was curious to know how this impacts how you are today." I frown and stare at her "How was your creation? How is your family?"

"My family is normal, I think?" I scratch my chin "I wasn't expecting that."

"Did you grow up with other children?"

"My cousins, almost as if we were brothers." I shrug.

"How are they?"

"Irresponsible."

"In what aspect?"

"They are older than me, they don't have a degree and they depend on my uncles' money and even my mother's money." I say with a little irritation.

"Why?"

"Because they are irresponsible, they don't care about their future, they think they will always have this 'support'" I make quotation marks with my hands "So because they have this financial security, they live like this, as if they were heirs."

"But aren't they?"

"I wouldn't say we are rich. My father died a few years ago and left my mother some money and she has a good, stable job."

"How did this impact your creation? In your point of view."

"They always joke that I was created to be the savior of the country, the one who will be totally focused on her career and the only one who will be successful. I was created for this." I shrug.

"And you don't mind that thought?"

"No, the most important thing for me has always been my career, throughout my life I have had this objective and focus." I say with conviction and she stares at me for a few seconds. "I grew up like this, always focused on studies and a little on sports, but nothing more than that."

"Has your relationship with your cousins ​​always been good?"

"Most of the time yes."

"But?" therapists make me a little uncomfortable because I feel exposed and I don't really know how to deal with someone who reads me so easily.

"One of my cousins ​​always knew about me, before I even realized it and he did some things that bothered me."

"When you say he always knew about you, do you talk about your bisexuality?"

"Yes. At some point in my pre-adolescence I knew I was different, I didn't know exactly what, but I knew there was something. I wasn't excited about boys like my friends were."

"And what did this cousin do?"

"Bullying." I try to remember some things "Idiotic blackmail, dull jokes."

"How did you feel about that?"

"I've never had a problem accepting myself, but I don't go around telling everyone who I am."

"Do you think that what your cousin did to you has an impact on how you relate to others?"

"I never stopped to think about it." I let out a sigh and remember Jisoo "I know I have some problems showing what I feel and what I think, I don't know if he somehow repressed me when I was younger."

"Do you think this is related to your distrust and difficulty trusting people?"

"Maybe?"

"In the society we live in, the idea that spreads is that family are the most reliable and welcoming beings that we will interact with. Family should be something safe for us." I keep thinking about her words.

I think my problems are more deeply rooted in me than I thought. I never stopped to analyze that these issues were related to my childhood and upbringing.

"Jennie, I want you to think about everything we talked about today" the psychologist gets up and I look at her again "See if it makes sense."

"Okay then." I let out another sigh and get up.

"Try not to put so much pressure on yourself, especially with college. You are not a robot, you are a human being and you have the right to make mistakes and feel, especially without the weight of guilt on your shoulders." she hugs me as soon as we arrive at the door "Think about that too, it's your homework for this week." the therapist pats me on the shoulder as I walk through the door.

On the way home from the office, my mind seems to pop with so many jumbled thoughts.

This new perspective is something I had never considered.

Feelings are very difficult, if I were a robot, it would be easier. I wouldn't have to deal with all this.

"Why that face?" Hoyeon says as soon as I walk through the door "How was today?"

"Lots of new things." I throw my backpack in the corner of the room and sit on the sofa.

"Don't you want to share?" She pokes me and I sigh.

"When I can process everything, maybe."

"Did you talk about your girlfriend?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not going to therapy to talk about dating, I'm there to deal with all the craziness of college. I almost freak out every day because of this course."

"Jen... do you trust your psychologist to talk about your love life?"

"No." I look at her like she's crazy "I just said I'm there for her to help me with college. I want help to become an excellent professional and not freak out in this final stretch."

"And isn't your relationship something important in your life that you could talk about too?"

"My focus is my career, my love life is in the background, besides, everything is fine, there is nothing to be resolved about it." I shrug.

"You are so sure about this."

"Because that's how it is."

Hoeyon stares at me. She opens and closes her mouth a few times, seeming to want to say something, but gives up, just shakes her head in denial and returns her attention to the TV.