Predestined - JENSOO - ENGLISH VERSION

Chapter 59

Jennie

After all the things Jisoo said to me, or rather, after the outburst of sincerity she had because of her upset about me canceling our plans for carnival so quickly, the things she said don't leave my mind.

I know it's unfair to her. Jisoo practically burst the closet to her homophobic mother and I'm still afraid of rejection from my own mother, but lately, I've been feeling uncomfortable with this feeling of control they have over me.

Whenever I try to think about what happens, I can't find an explanation. All I know is that I couldn't tell my family that they couldn't come and I couldn't disappoint them in any way, especially my mother, I can't disappoint my mother.

I don't know.

All of this is very disturbing and frightening. I've always had trust issues, my safe haven is my mother, I don't know if I can throw that away if I disappoint her.

I end up remembering one of the therapy sessions where my psychologist said that I was conditioned to live this way and feel things this way, but I know it's all wrong. The time has come when I need to stop being ashamed of things and what I do, as if it were wrong, because I don't do anything wrong. I can't stop living and stop myself from living just to please others.

I can't lose the opportunity to live with the love of my life just because my family doesn't want it or doesn't accept it or anything else. I can't miss the opportunity to be happy when Jisoo and I are happy. I'm very happy with her and I'm more certain of that every time we meet.

Every time I board to go back or when Jisoo boards to leave, I feel firsthand how difficult and painful it is to separate myself, even momentarily, from her. I can't give up all of this for the sake of other people, their happiness doesn't depend on me and who I date. I don't have to and I deserve to be happy. Jisoo and I deserve this happiness and love.

Lately I've also been feeling uncomfortable about the fact that I can't talk to my own mother about my relationship with Jisoo because I feel like I'm hiding and that's not right on any level.

If not now, I will never be able to talk about this to my mother again. I know I'm not ready, but there's no other way to do this. I need to talk so I can live peacefully with Jisoo and it's not fair for me to continue living like this.

I bite my bottom lip as soon as we place our orders. We're at the airport for lunch because her flight is in a few hours and I'm glad my cousin left yesterday because I didn't want to talk about it with him here.

I'm sure I'm shaking.

Is it better to talk about the subject little by little or to talk all at once? I scratch the back of my neck trying to decide the best approach until she starts talking about my career, making my thoughts stray.

"You didn't give up on doing residency, right?" She looks at me and I let out a sigh.

"Despite the hectic nature of everyday life at my new job, I haven't stopped thinking about this specialization at any point and I can't even do that." I say thoughtfully "I think it's something that is already part of my life plan."

"Try not to delay your planning too much to start soon"  she says and I just nod my head.

"Would you be very disappointed if I were in a relationship?"

"What relationship?" She furrows her eyebrows. "No." she looks at me "Do you have a boyfriend?" she says and I remain silent "​​Do you have it?"

"Not boyfriend."

"Jennie?!" she looks at me in surprise "And now what are you coming to tell me?"

"I was building up courage."

"Oh my God, Jennie." She leans back in the chair and shakes her head in denial.

"Is it very disappointing?" she remains silent "It can't be disappointing." I don't think I've ever felt as desperate as I do now.

"It's not disappointing, it's just weird" she says after a few seconds of silence.

"Of course it's weird" I roll my eyes.

"Are she a doctor too?"

"No."

"She works?"

"Yes. She's a journalist."

"Why did you decide to tell me now?"

"Because I had to say it at some point."

"Not like that, Jennie, just as I'm leaving."

I couldn't say it before, mom, don't hate me."

"I'm not hating you, I'm just thinking." she says and lets out a sigh "Who else knows about this?"

"Just you, the important thing for me was to tell you."

"But I can't do anything, you're already an adult and you know what you want." she says seriously "You can't let anyone exploit you or be stupid. And what will your plans be like now?"

"I'll continue with them."

"But why did you decide to tell me now?"

"Fear."

"What?"

"I'm scared, mom." I pass my hand over my face "Do you hate me?" I feel the tears start to wet my face.

"Of course not, Jennie, I will never hate you." she gives me such a worried look "I'm going to cry too." she sighs "What made you discover that? How it was?"

"I think my whole life, mom."

"But how so? Have you ever dated men and find men attractive."

"I think so, but that doesn't influence anything." I scratch my chin "Do you know Freddie Mercury?"

"Yeah."

"I'm just like him. He was bi."

"And now?"

"So what, mom?"

"How will life be?"

"I don't know."

"Over time you will have to tell our family, your cousins, you just can't lose your focus and stop studying."

"I don't do this, mom, this was something she and I talked about from the beginning, that my focus was always studying and focusing on my career." I look at her and realize that she is holding back tears "Cry mom."

"I can't. My head hurts."

"Yes, you can."

"I mentioned to your cousin that you were very absent, very distant, but I thought it was something of adulthood, of you being independent and taking care of your own things, I didn't think it was because of something like that... but how are you doing? Do you pay her anything?"

"No, I don't pay anything, each one has their own bills."

"So okay my daughter, for now I'm going to keep to myself, quiet, I just hope you don't start fighting or arguing because you're the one who has to know about your life and you have to know how to deal with all of this because your cousins ​​are problematic."

"I know, I think about it a lot because I've never been problematic and I'm successful."

"God blesses."

"You have to be careful, you won't walk and dress like a truck driver."

"No, mom, no, no one dresses like a truck driver, neither of us are like that, you can rest assured, especially because I only wear cropped tops."

"Anyway, it's your life my daughter, everyone makes their own choice and I can't say anything about it, now you have to talk to your cousins ​​about it, when you're ready."

"I have no intention of talking to them because I wanted to talk to you first. You are my mother and you are the only one who has an opinion that interests me."

"By being so tough with you, did I make a mistake?"

"Of course not."

"Did my behavior influence anything on you?"

"No, of course not." She looks at me for a few seconds and just nods her head in agreement with me.