Predestined - JENSOO - ENGLISH VERSION

Chapter 39

Jennie

I let out a sigh when I see Soojoo's message talking about how happy and at ease Jisoo is in her new relationship. 

I consider this is so unfair because she cheated on me and is living happily with that bitch while I had to practically force myself to forget her.

🐻: Soojoo, I'd rather you didn't tell me anything else about Jisoo

🐻: I don't care about her, much less if she's happy with that bitch

🐻: Got it?

I lock my phone screen and close my eyes, counting to 10 in my head and taking a deep breath.

"Jennie!" my therapist opens the door to her office and gives me a soft smile when she calls me.

"Hey!" I say as I sit down opposite her and cross my legs.

"You seem less stressed for a few weeks now." she says proudly and I just nod my head.

"Yes, it seems that the moment I graduated, all that weight I felt under my head disappeared." I say thoughtfully "I knew that graduating would make me calmer, I just didn't imagine it would be so much."

"And how is your life?"

"Good, but I got a job in another city and I'll have to move, I'm worried about our sessions." I pout.

"We can do it via video call." she says and I breathe a sigh of relief. "And besides that, is there anything else that worries you?"

"I still worry about being a terrible professional, I think it's my biggest fear."

"Why? You said you became calmer after graduating."

"Yes, that pressure I felt before doesn't exist anymore, but I don't want to be a bad doctor."

"Did someone say something? Do you consider yourself a bad professional?"

"I don't know." I scratch the back of my neck "I've never had much confidence in myself, especially in these matters, I do my best, but when someone praises me, I get suspicious because I think it's some kind of bad joke."

"Did you grow up being criticized a lot?" she says after a few minutes of staring at me and I bite my mouth, then sigh.

"Yeah..." I say softly.

"For your mother?" I shake my head in denial "Your cousins?"

"Yes." I take a deep breath "They criticized me when I tried to sing, they criticized my appearance and they even criticized my friendships."

"Did these criticisms come only from them?"

"Not exactly." I try to control the urge to run out of this room, but I can't escape it "I always really liked sports and at school the boys called me names because I was better than them. Today I see that they were mean insults, even for children, but that really affected me because not even in the sporting field, which was where I felt safest to be myself, I had peace because there was always someone saying those things."

"And how did you deal with all this?"

"I hit them." I shrug.

"Really?"

"Yes, I did karate, so I could beat them." I give a half smile in the form of guilt.

"And then, as you grew up?"

"That cousin, who I already talked about before, kept criticizing me, either for not being "feminine" enough or for not being vain like other girls."

"I imagine it must have been very difficult, adolescence is usually a time for you to get to know yourself, it's where we define a lot of things."

"I had no self-esteem." I feel my eyes burning "The only thing that saved me besides studying so hard was playing sports."

"What do you mean by having no self-esteem? Can you explain me?"

"I didn't feel beautiful at any time and I was afraid to try other styles because I knew I would be criticized, so I preferred to stick to what was safe and what I already knew, because then I wouldn't be criticized."

"And as you grew up, all this continued?"

"Yes, as I developed and became "more feminine" I always heard disgusting comments from colleagues about my body and "as I was already hot", it was very disgusting." I say angrily "I think this is one of the factors that I always liked to "be mean", because I didn't need anyone's love, I just needed their respect, even if it was imposed out of fear or something like that."

"And when did you decide to do medicine?"

"I kind of always wanted this, but I had the belief that people would treat me better when I graduated, it was the only way of salvation."

"Was your course the best way to deal with everything?"

"I think that's why I dedicated myself so much." I keep thinking about my trajectory "When I graduated, I would be able to hide this problem of lack of confidence and self-esteem because everyone respects doctors, so it would be impossible for someone not to respect me when I graduated."

"I don't believe that you are a bad professional nor that you will be bad one day." she says after a while of silence.

"Why?" I squint at her.

"Because what makes good professionals is the ability they develop to put themselves in other point of view, to be empathetic and human, to understand the needs and pains of others and you can do that very well, Jennie" she gives me a smile soft "You always show concern for your patients and serve them with attention."

"Thanks." I shift in my seat, feeling uncomfortable with the level of sincerity with which she said all of this.

"You've been through a lot." she keeps balancing the pen between her fingers "And your cousins ​​weren't right, the fact that you're different from the norm doesn't mean that you're any less of this or that, it just means that you have your own way and that's okay."

"Really?"

"Yes, your little task for this week is to try to work on accepting yourself and understanding that not everything that is different is bad, it is just different." she gets up "Being different is good, Jennie, the world is plural and full of possibilities, there's nothing wrong with that."

"Okay, I will try." I get up too, walking towards the door.

"I know it will be difficult for you, but we will make it."

"You know, I think therapy has helped me a lot lately. I feel like we are working on a lot of issues that I didn't think were necessary, but now I see that yes, I feel like I am evolving as a human being." I turn to her and give her my most sincere smile "Thank you!"