Again

4

My heart was beating fast while I let his words sink into my mind.
"Ben, I don't really know what to say.." was all that I could tell him. And it was the truth. I honestly didn't know what to say. Off course I wanted him back too, more than ever, but I was also scared. Very scared. Our love seemed something from so long ago, yet it was never really away. But I could also remember the bad times, the discussions, the pain. Most off all I remembered the way we loved each other, but I also had to be realistic.

"I know that you are scared. I am scared too. You know, you don't really need to answer me right now. I just wanted you to know what my intentions are." He said in a calm voice.
"I appreciate it, i really do." I said.
"Can I see you?" He asked.
I was already afraid for that question. Not that I didn't want to see him, but again, I was afraid. It felt like we were going too fast, whatever this thing is, but at the first time it felt right. Like the first time I met him.
"You mean, like in real life?" I asked. He slightly laughed.
"No, I mean right now.." Right after he said that, I saw that he switched the call into Facetime. I had no other choice but to accept the call. There he was, more handsome than ever. His brown eyes immediately touching my soul, I felt butterflies in my whole body. It was like the first time I ever saw him. He looked the same, yet he looked different.

"There you are." He said with a big smile. The smile that I missed so much.
"Hi there." I smiled back. I felt myself blushing, but that was the last thing I wanted to show him.
"You look beautiful." He said.
"Ben, I have no make up on, my hair isn't done.. kind of far from beautiful." I laughed.
"Hey, look at me." He strictly said. "You know that is not true, and you know this is how I like you the most, right."
I nodded.
"Good." He said.

He started to show off his trailer from inside to me, it was small but cute. His bed seemed comfortable and so did his couch. He had some cute pictures of his kids on his side table and a few books he was reading.

I started to show him my room.
"It's nice.. but it's also a little lonely now that the twins are gone for a few days. But I also want them to have some fun instead of being with me while I'm working."
"God, so much has changed in all those years. We were so young and free back then. Now we have kids." He laughed.

He was right. Our lives were so different back then, and now we had five kids between us. It was something we dreamed about together, a wound that will never be really healed. However, our kids made it easier. I noticed that I was unconsciously thinking about us being together again, how it would be. Deep down I knew I couldn't resist the thought of him wanting me back. And I knew that he knew that I wanted it too.

"Can you tell me what you're scared about." He asked.
I sighed, trying to look away, but I knew I had to look in his eyes while telling him about my thoughts.
"We both know how the last time ended. It was so traumatizing. I just don't want it to happen again, for us, for our kids. Ben, I've never been more heartbroken than I was after our break up. It took me so long to finally feel more like myself again. And maybe I never returned to that same girl I was when I was with you, maybe it changed me forever. But I found a way to live without you. Even if I thought that was impossible for me." I whispered.

He carefully listened to me, I saw that he got emotional but that he tried to hide it.

"I'm sorry." he said.
"It's okay." I whispered.
"It's not.." he said determined. "I don't know if there is a way to heal your pain. Our pain.
Jen, we've been through so much together. So much more than people know about. You are the only one for me. And I will do whatever it takes to get your trust back, because I know that is worth it."

His words touched me more than I could admit. I believed it, every word, but I was too afraid to already tell him that.

"It was not only you, Ben, it was also me. I hurt you too." I said with a sad voice.
"No, it were my actions, Jen. But we can leave it behind us. We can start over. I don't want to pressure you, I just want you to think about it. And for now I just want to talk to you until I can finally see you after filming." He smiled.
"That sounds good."

We talked for more than an hour. Almost two. Time seemed to go so fast when I talked to him. It felt like the old times when we were just getting to know each other. It was exactly like that. Him telling stories, me listening, me telling stories and him interrupting because he loved to talk. That was what I loved most about him. His voice. The way he was so passionate about everything he did, everything I did.

"I think you should get some sleep." He said.
"You're already done with me?" I joked.
"Never. But I don't want you to be tired tomorrow on set. I have a free day, you don't."
"Can you please stay on the phone until I fall asleep?" It was something I did not plan to ask, but I impulsively did.
"Off course." He said.

I put my phone next to me as I closed my eyes. I couldn't explain it, but it felt so peaceful knowing he was next to me. Not in real life, but I felt his presence. Even though I felt emotional, his presence also made me feel calm.

"Good night, Jen."