Again

6

I couldn't stop walking circles in my room. It was already 1 am, and yes, he was coming over. We discovered it was for the best time since the chances of paparazzi seeing him would be small on this time of the day. It was like my body didn't realize I was going to see him after all these years. My heart was beating fast, it was like I wanted to scream. It was also a risky situation since the kids were also at home. I literally had to sneak him inside, so I prayed that they would stay asleep. I checked their rooms one more time to make sure that they were still deeply asleep. He would text me if he was in front of the gate, so I could open it for him. We figured out that the best way was that my assistant would pick him up in my escalade, so no one would figure out that it was him in my car coming to my house. He agreed with the idea, although I could also notice in his voice that he thought it was slightly ridiculous we had to hide. However, we both knew it was part of our lives.

I didn't put much make up on, only a little bit of lipgloss, some eye cream and concealer. My hair was tight in a bun and I put on a comfortable outfit, which was a crop top with some comfy shorts. It was not how I imagined our first date to be, but I knew that he accepted me the way I am. That was one advantage of us knowing each other for so long. We didn't need to present the best versions of ourselves anymore.
I tried to control my breath, as my head was spinning around with idea of meeting him again. Was he nervous too? Was he also excited to see me? Those questions were running around in my mind. And there it was, the text that I was waiting for. He was in front of my gate. I slowly opened my front door, as I saw him from far away. He stepped out of my car, while my assistant drove away to give us some privacy.
I could see that he had some jeans on, a simple t-shirt with a leather jacket and some sneakers. Just the way I always knew him. The only difference was that he had a beard now and that his hair was a little different. As he was coming closer, I felt an emotion inside of me that I couldn't explain. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. I wondered how we even found ourselves in this situation, how the universe brought us here. I saw that he brought some flowers with him, and that was the moment I kind of started to lose it. His steps became closer, and I could see his face better and better. We both smiled as I felt tears streaming down my face.
"Hi" was what he said. he immediately started to hold me closely in his arms. I leaned with my back on my front door, while his arm was stroking my lower back. He kissed my hair while I couldn't stop crying. Smelling him, touching him and feeling him nearby me was something I had dreamed of for a long time.
"I'm here, baby". He whispered. He slowly started to touch my face and wiped my tears away. I smiled, not able to believe that he was really in front of me. I saw tears blinking in his eyes too, so I also wiped them away. It was at that moment that words weren't needed to express how we felt. We were both overwhelmed by emotions and find it difficult to speak.
I grabbed his hand as I was walking inside, letting him follow my way. He smiled by the look of my house. "It's beautiful. But I didn't expect something else from you." He said.
I smiled and offered him something to drink. As I gave him his water, he kept staring at me.
"What?" I asked.
"You know, you don't need to be strong for me. I know these past weeks haven't been easy for you."
I didn't say anything as I walked to the couch. I found my comfortable position, as he followed me.
"I'm okay." I said.
"You are not."
He knew me better than anyone else ever did, but I was too stubborn to admit it. And he knew that I didn't want to show my vulnerability all the time. I was used to being strong, to take care of my own. But there he was, always wanting to take my pain away from me.
"Come here." He said as he sat next to me on the couch.
I slowly moved closer to him, as I laid my head down on the pillow he had put on his lap. He slowly started to stroke my hair, the way he always used to do. I missed this kind of love and affection, the kind he always gave to me and no one else ever did. It was the best feeling ever, something that I could hardly explain in words.
"Thank you." I said.
"For what?" He asked.
"Just for being here." I whispered.
I felt that I was slowly falling a sleep as I was laying comfortably in his arms. I felt how his lips pressed a kiss in my hair.

It was 6 am when I suddenly opened my eyes. My head was on Ben's chest, while we were both lying down on the couch. It was in that moment that I realized that the kids couldn't see us this way when they would wake up in the morning. I slowly started to touch his face, my heart was aching to wake him up like this, but I had no choice.
"Ben." I whispered. He didn't seem to wake up. I impulsively pressed a kiss on his cheek while I still stroked his face. He then slowly started to open his eyes. I saw a certain disbelief, probably wondering where he was.
"Hi. We fell asleep." I smiled.
He rubbed his eyes in order to see better.
"Hmm, I should go then." He said.
I felt a certain disappointment, although I knew it was for the best. I felt some PTSD from the last time that he left. It was like those emotions came through me again. He tried to read my face as I saw him getting worried.
"What is it?" He asked.
"I don't want you to go." I said.
He pulled me closer and put my head on his chest. "I'll be back. Soon." He whispered.
"Tomorrow?" I asked.
"If that's what you want, I'm here tomorrow."
I pulled back to look at him. We both knew what we wanted, but were both scared to cross that line. I felt the tension through my body, the urgency to kiss him. He started to touch my face, and moved a little bit of hair behind my ear. I moved towards his face, our noses slowly touching each other.
"Are you going to be okay?" He whispered.
I nodded. Knowing it was going to be hard for me to be without him.
"I'm back tomorrow, promise." He said again.
Although I believed him, I was also too weak to be strong now.
He started to kiss my cheek, my forehead, and before I realized I felt his lips on mine. It was short and sweet. Too fast that I could hardly remember, but I felt it. I smiled through my tears, giving him a kiss back on his cheek.
"See you tomorrow then." I whispered.