Again

46

"Baby, I made the bath ready for you."
I smiled by hearing Ben's words whispering in my ear.

"Thank you, you're the sweetest."
I gave him a kiss and followed his way to the bathroom. He was holding my hand while opening the door. I got surprised by the most beautiful setting. The light was dimmed, candles were burning and I saw rose petals everywhere. I also spotted some cookies, which made me smile.

"Baby, you're so romantic." I said while I turned around and admired his handsome face, and smiled while playing with his hair. He pulled me closer to him and kissed my temple.
I knew that the last few days were hard for him, seeing me struggling with my emotions. But he was there for me more than ever, more than I could wish for. It made me realize again how lucky I was to have him in my life again.

Somehow words weren't needed in this moment, all I wanted was to feel him close to me.
He slowly took my clothes off while pressing kisses on my whole face and neck. The touch of his beard made me giggle like a little girl.

"Get it." He whispered.

I smiled while he helped me to get into the bath. I felt emotional thinking about the way he was taking care of me. It was in a way that nobody ever did before. He knew exactly what I needed, and it was never too much for him. Despite his busy schedule, he always made sure to be there for me and for the kids. We didn't need to ask for it, we were always his number one priority.

"There are no words to describe how much I love you." I whispered while tears were blinking in my eyes.

He looked at me with the sweetest smile on his face, clearly in awe of my words.

"I love you too. So much." He smiled.

Having him as my partner and my best friend was something truly magical. It was a blessing, and one I was very aware of. There was no one in this world that made me feel the way he did. His calmness, understanding and peacefulness was something I had never experienced before. He made me feel safe.

"I wish we got back together earlier.. for many reasons. But most of all because I really wanted to give you a baby. It haunts me too, Jen. I feel guilty for not reaching out to you earlier, for not having the courage to just call you up and say how much I love you and how much I missed you.
But I needed to get better too. I needed to heal.
But that doesn't mean that I have peace with it.
I just want us to find a way to deal with this pain. We need to."

Hearing from him how he really felt touched me. It made me emotional to think about how much he deals with it too.

"I feel like I wasn't there enough for you when it comes to this." I said with a shaky voice. "And I'm sorry for that."

"What? Baby, no! This is not about me or about you. It is about us. We both deal with things differently. We are both in pain. We know what could have been, but at the same time we are grateful for what we have. It is not easy. Like I said, I have to live with the guilt of not reaching out to you earlier. And not only that, I feel like we could have prevented ourselves for so many wrong relationships. And I know it was all part of the journey to eventually find each other back, but I just wished it didn't take us so long. Because all I really wanted was to have you by my side. And I always knew that."

"Me too." I said with sad voice.

He pulled closer and kissed my head. Feeling his love was overwhelming, but at the same time the most beautiful thing I had experienced.

"Thank you for not giving up on me." I whispered.

"What? I would never." He pulled back to look deeply in my eyes.
"I am nothing without you."