Again

40

I felt how I was tossing and turning around in bed, and how my breathing became faster and faster. I was having a nightmare and it was like I was reliving every moment in it.

In my dream, I was having a heavy discussion with Alex in which I confronted him with the cheating scandal, which resulted in me telling him that I was about to leave with the kids.
Of course he was in denial, and honestly I didn't feel that strong to really take the step of leaving our house. Although I knew that I had to.

Days were passing by along with the tension that was sensible in the house. I was just about to leave to the Dominican Republic to film 'Shotgun Wedding' which would give me some space and alone time too. I was hiding the pain that I was felt and my feelings for everyone around me, always trying to be strong. Although I felt like dying from inside. I tried to avoid the thoughts that it was going wrong because of me, but I couldn't help that I partly felt that way. Even though I realistically knew that it wasn't true, I couldn't help throwing those negative thoughts away.
Throughout my nightmare I felt the tension in my body rising again. The discomfort that I felt in those days and weeks, the feeling of sadness.

While my breathing was still going very fast, I suddenly heard a voice that tried to wake me up. Of course, it was Ben.

"Baby, wake up." He said while he caressed my forehead and cheeks.

I had a hard time opening my eyes, but the moment I did, I immediately held on to him. My whole body was sweating and I felt very emotional. Like I was going through it all again.

"Hey, it's okay, I'm here." He whispered.

His warm hands caressed my back while he was pressing soft kisses on my hair. All I could do was holding him tight, and trying to control my breathing again. After staying like that for five minutes, Ben shortly left the bed to grab a glass of water for me. I gratefully grabbed it from him and started to take a few sips.

I saw in his eyes that he evidently was still worried about me, which kind of broke my heart too. I didn't want to show him my weakness, even though I surely knew that I was of course safe with him.

"Honey, it's the second time now since that we're together again that you're having these nightmares. The first time you didn't want to tell me what was wrong, but I can see in your eyes that it wasn't just a dream. And I understand if you still don't feel comfortable enough to share it with me, but I can't help you if you don't tell me." He said softly.

I signed before I positioned myself next to him, so I could slightly lean on his shoulder and chest.

"I never really told you how bad the last few weeks and months were with Alex. I think that you knew most of it because of the media, but the real truth is here with me. I obviously didn't want to ruin our newfound happiness with traumatic experiences that I had of the past, also because I felt like it wasn't worth it. And honestly you coming back into my life immediately made me forget everything that I had experienced, that I just felt like forgetting about it. But maybe I didn't processed all of it yet, deep down."

I looked up at him and met his sweet eyes. The onces that always ensured me of so much calmness, hope and love.

"He cheated so many times on me." I said with a trembling voice.
"And not that I have a hard time processing that part.. but I just couldn't understand if I was doing something wrong. If it was somehow my fault, you know. I just always looked away from his behavior, I never wanted to believe the rumors until it was too hard for me to deny. But the hardest part was to convince myself that it wasn't because of me."

I immediately felt how Ben tilted my chin and made me look up to him.

"Jennifer. It was never because of you. Never. He's just an asshole." He said to me with a serious voice.

I nodded while tears were streaming down my face.

"I'm not crying because of him." I laughed through my tears. I wanted to make sure to Ben that I wasn't sad anymore about any of that.

"I know, I know. You don't need to explain anything to me. I get you, remember?" He smiled.
He wiped my tears away and pulled my close to his chest again.

"I'm just so relieved that you came back into my life. I honestly felt like I was going to be unhappy for the rest of my life.. after he cheated on me. I started to believe that love wasn't for me, and I was trying so hard for a way to accept that. Until I received that email from you. You really saved me. I don't know what would have happened if you didn't do that."

I felt so emotional thinking about the way I felt back then. I was in so much pain for a long time, that it was so hard for me to move on.

Ben turned me around so I could face him. The sweet look in his eyes made me smile through my tears.

"We both went through a lot in the years that we weren't together. But faith would have it that we are in each other's lives again. Forever now.
You're the most incredible, amazing, sweetest, beautiful and strongest person that I know. You're everything to me. You're my partner, my best friend, my whole world. I wish that you could see yourself the way that I see you. Because then you would truly understand what I feel when I see you, and why I needed you back in my life."

Tears were slowly streaming down my face while I listened to his kind words. He always made sure that I felt so loved by him, that it overwhelmed me in a way. I always questioned how I became so lucky with someone like him in my life.

"Come on, let's try to get some more sleep, okay?" He whispered.

I nodded and positioned myself on his warm chest. I inhaled his scent while his soft breathing brought me into a calming space.

—-

Part 40! what do you guys think? 😊