Again

43

His hands were exploring my body while I crumbled under the touch of him. I gasped at the feeling of him inside of me while having flashbacks about the way we always used to make love. I was thinking about the way that we were always trying to have a baby. We might were not always talking about it, but we both wanted it so bad. It was the unspoken truth. Ben noticed that something was on my mind while he was on top of me, but I said to him that I was okay. Even though I felt that he knew I wasn't telling the truth. It wasn't that I was purposely lying to him, but I didn't want to burden him with my sad feelings. Luckily, in the heat of passion, he let it go. As usual he was dedicated to give me the amount of pleasure that he wanted to give me. Always on a mission to make me feel better when he felt like I needed it.

I didn't want to bother him with the recent flashbacks that I experienced, and of course I still enjoyed to make love to him. It only didn't take away the feelings that I felt. The thoughts of our dreams that didn't come true were still haunting me. Even if I was so grateful and over the moon to have him back in my life, it hurt to know that our life could have been more beautiful in a way. We were blessed to have each other back, but the pain of our unfulfilled dreams still remained in my heart and head.

Every night used to be full of passion, even the mornings or the time in between. We were always both secretly hoping that it would happen. And even if I tried to let it go, to not think about it for a moment, I couldn't let go of the dream of having a mini version of us in my arms. To see a part of both me and him in a baby that we would have had created together. One that resulted of our love. I could fantasize for days thinking about how he or she would have looked liked, about the character that he or she would have. I always imagined how it would be the most beautiful baby ever, with the same passionate attitude that Ben and I both had. Part of me was scared about raising a baby in the environment that we were in, but it didn't stop us for it still being our biggest dream.
I looked forward to raising a child with the love of my life, and to witness him being the best father that existed. Seeing him with children always had made my heart burst out of love, and I knew that having our own baby would only intensify the love that we had for each other.

When we noticed that getting pregnant wasn't an easy process for us, it was hard to accept it. I remember often crying about it, and feeling disappointed in myself and my body. And the worse part was that I felt like I was letting Ben down too. There was this old traditional thought that I was thinking about and that kept on popping into my head, which was about my worth as a woman. What was that worth if I wasn't able to give the man that I love any babies? I was afraid of losing him if our dream of having a family wouldn't become a reality, and moreover I was afraid to never feel the real level of happiness, since the only thing I wanted was to have a family with the man that I loved. I blamed myself for that, and it slowly became an unbearable feeling to live with.

But the moment that I let go of all those negative thoughts and finally let the universe do its work, was the moment that I finally became pregnant. But that didn't end the way we hoped for. Again a disappointment that caused an incredibly amount of pain and trauma in our lives. But he existed, our baby boy existed. Even if we didn't had the time with him that we hoped for, our baby was created from the love that we shared for each other.

Whenever I used to feel down and lonely, Ben was always there to help me stand up again. He made sure that I always felt loved by him, and even got mad whenever I shared that I felt worthless. Though his madness resulted of sadness, because it hurt him that I thought that way about myself. That I blamed myself.
But that level of blame and the worthless feelings became more and harder to deal with from the moment of our breakup back then. All of his supportive words and love towards me disappeared when I needed to watch him experience living our dreams with someone else. I started to question if all of his words were ever real.

Seeing him becoming a father was the hardest thing. I was supposed to be the mother of his kids, and knowing that I didn't give that to him broke my heart in an incredibly amount of pieces. I know that it wasn't my fault, and that I could do nothing about it, but knowing that my body wasn't able to do what I wanted it to do was hard to accept. I had to watch the love of my life getting kids with another woman, while not able to talk to him for years. I had to hear and witness in the media how he loved being a dad, and how he was amazing in being one. Just like I had always imagined him to be. That was the hardest part. But I loved him so much that I was also grateful that he could experience being a dad. Because I always knew that would bring out the best in him.

"You're alright?" He whispered.

I nodded.

He looked at me with a concerned face while I fastly pressed a kiss on his lips, hoping he would stop asking difficult questions.
His body was still on top of mine, and I enjoyed the comfortable feeling of being close to him. I hide my face in his neck while tracing my fingers in his hair.

"I know something is wrong. You know you can't play me." He whispered in my ear.

I sighed while I still played with his hair. Our eyes didn't meet yet, but I felt how mine became watery.

"I love you." I whispered.

He looked up to me and saw the sad look on my face.

"What's wrong baby, talk to me." He said while slowly tracing his thumb over my cheeks.

"I just feel sad." I said to him with a lopsided smile. "But not because of you." I added.

He deeply sighed and climbed off my body to lay down next to me. He pressed a kiss on my forehead and wrapped his arms around my body.

"I don't want you to be sad. I'm here for you if you let me."