Again

10

It was four days ago since our first night together. I was back in the Dominican Republic to film again. I still felt overwhelmed by everything around Ben, although I couldn't hide the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about our night together. Which is why it made me crazy that we were both busy working again. It was difficult to stay in contact all the time during the day, while that was what I really wanted. I wanted to talk to him and to be with him. At the same time I didn't want to go too fast, and I didn't really know what I expected from him. I figured out that our communication wasn't that good as it was before we met, and it made me anxious in a way. I started to question if he didn't get cold feet, and started to think about us and thought if it was a smart move to be back together again. What if he changed his mind? It was a something that I couldn't get out of my head. I obsessively started to check my phone every time that I had the chance between filming. I felt like a hightly desperate teenager that wanted attention from her boyfriend. It didn't feel like me, nor did I wanted to act this way. But it was something he brought out in me. It was my fear of him might leaving me (again) and not able to commit to me while I was ready to give him my whole heart and soul. At the same time I felt guilty for having these thoughts, because I know how much he wants this to work out and how much he's trying. The uncertainty and insecurity of us not being together now, in this crucial time, was something I found hard to deal with. Luckily I was heading back home to Miami. It was again only for the weekend, but he insisted to come over.

When I arrived home, I figured out that there was a jewelry box on my table with a note on it: "Jenny". I could see by the handwriting that it must be from my mom.
I opened the box, and it was like my world was standing still. I saw all the jewelry that Ben ever gave to me. Earrings, necklaces and my Harry Winston bracelet. It was after so many years that I saw these incredible pieces. After our breakup, I put them in the box and asked my mom to keep it for me. I picked the bracelet and looked at it.
It was still as pretty as I remembered. All the memories came back alive once I clicked the bracelet on my wrist again. I remembered how he gave this to me for my birthday in 2002. We were dating for a very short time, and I was amazed by the gift he gave me. It was so beautiful and thoughtful, and it really made me feel special.
I plannend to look to the other jewelry pieces, however I got the notification that he was already in front of my gate. The timing was not that good since I felt more emotional now, wearing this nostalgic bracelet.

I opened the front door, and there he was, holding like a hundred roses. The sight of that made me more emotional, but I tried to stay relaxed.
"Hi." He walked in with a big smile, clearly happy to see me.
"Hi." He gave me a short kiss after we hugged for a while. It felt good to hold him again, while I also knew that we needed to talk. My toxic trait is that I try to avoid those conversations when it comes to him. I rather suffer in my own thoughts, instead of speaking out what I really think. But it's something I am working on. I don't want to avoid difficult situations anymore since I learned throughout the years how that can make it all worse.
"What's wrong?" He looked at me with a concerned face.
"Let's first go inside. Thank you for these." He handed me the roses while I was leading him inside.
"Jen?"
"Hmm?"
"Are you okay?"
I sighed while I turned around to look at him. I was aware that he could still see the emotion in my eyes, especially since I had no make up on to cover it up.
"I don't know. To be honest, it was so hard for me to be without you this week. And I was constantly wondering what you were doing and I just wanted to talk to you all the time even though I know we are all busy. I'm just a mess.." I looked at him with a sad face. I didn't want to hide my emotions from him, but at the same time it was hard for me being this honest.
"It was hard for me too, but it's going to be okay. We will be okay." He always managed to calm me down. He pulled me closer to him, and while my face was leaning towards his chest I felt the tears streaming down my face.
"I just don't want to lose you again. I don't think I would survive that this time." Saying that was a huge step for me since I never really admitted to him what the break up did to me. I'm sure that he knew I was devastated about it, but it really affected me in a way I couldn't put into words.
"It won't happen again. I promise." He kissed my head while he was still holding me close. After a while he leaded me to the couch and sit down next to me. I cuddled up towards him and it was the best feeling.
"You're wearing the bracelet." He grabbed my wrist while he admired it. I spotted a certain emotion in his eyes, probably still surprised that I had it.
"Yeah." I smiled. "It's still beautiful."
He smiled back while he kissed me hand.

"I'm sorry for this past week, if I wasn't there enough for you. I just don't want you to overthink, because I'm here forever. You are everything to me. You are on my mind every second of the day, even when I'm not talking to you. I see you. Just give me the chance to proof I'm the man you deserve, and the one you once fell in love with. Now I'm the man who you always wanted me to be, and the one you always knew I was. I just had to believe it myself. And I promise you to always be by your side, and by your kids side. Because I love them as my own, just how I love you."
His words made me quiet for a moment, and all I could do was holding him close. He gave me the safety and security that I needed and that I craved for. There was nothing more I needed.

"I'm so proud of you." I whispered after a while while we were watching tv.
"Hmm?"
"For the man you are. And you were right, I always believed in you and knew who you wanted to be."
He smiled. "I know. There's never been anyone else who gave me the same type of love. That's why I could never let you go. And why I never will."
I pulled him closer to me and gave him a kiss.
"I love you like crazy. That's what you do to me." I whispered in his ear.
"I love you too. And I don't want to be without you anymore. But we have to be strong for a few more days. After that, we can have a little getaway if you want?"
"Where do you want to go?" I was already excited by the idea of being with him for longer time.
"You know, I have a house in Montana. I think it would be the perfect place to have some privacy and to enjoy each other's company."
"That sounds perfect to me. I can't wait."