Again

22

- THROWBACK, 2003 -

I was lying down as my doctor put the gel on my belly to make the first ultrasound. Ben and I were very nervous, but also so excited. We couldn't wait to finally hear and see a glimpse of our little one. I was shaking because of nervousness, but at the same time I was also positive that everything was going to be alright. As I was lying down, Ben held my left hand tight with his two hands. He kissed my hand while he closed his eyes for a short moment.
"It's going to be alright." He whispered.
I smiled while I lovingly gazed at him. My heart was bursting out of love and admiration for him.

"I love you." I whispered.
"I love you too."

My doctor began to search for our baby. The nervousness in me was growing more, but suddenly we shockingly looked at each other. There he was, it only took a few seconds for us to hear his heartbeat. It was strong and clearly beating. It was so loud, and most definitely the most beautiful sound that I ever heard.

"Oh my God, that's our baby." I said while I looked at Ben with tears in my eyes. He had tears in his eyes too as he switched his gaze from the monitor to look at me.

"Our miracle". He whispered while he kissed my hand.

The doctor said that everything looked alright. I was pregnant for 10 weeks. We discovered it two weeks ago. I missed my period for two months, and therefore I was feeling nauseous everyday. Although I didn't want to think about a pregnancy, there was no room for me tod deny the symptoms anymore. Especially not because Ben noticed it too. He insisted me that I should do a test, and because I wasn't making any movements by doing one, he bought a few tests for me. It was a random monday morning where I decided to do the test. He was asleep, while I decided to do it. I didn't want to get my hopes up, which is why I tried to stay as calm as possible.
After a few minutes, I took a look at two test that I did. Both were positive. I started to shake and the tears were streaming down my face. I badly wanted to wake up Ben, but after I calmed down and I decided that I wanted to surprise him in a special way.

For a while, I had kept a baby shirt with 'I love papa' on it. I bought it a few months ago, in case we would have something to celebrate. And now was the time. Finally.

Ben was in the shower when I prepared our breakfast. I had put the baby shirt in a little box with a ribbon on it, along with the two tests that I did. When he was coming out the shower, all dressed up and ready for his breakfast, he noticed the little box. He looked at me with a surprise face.
"You've got a surprise for me, babe?" He asked.
"I do. You might want to take a look."

I tried to hide my emotions for him, so that he wouldn't immediately notice what was going on. I watched him while he opened the box. His eyes got big when he realized what the surprise was.
"Is this real?" He asked me while he already stood up to hug me. The excitement and emotion in his voice was clearly evident.

"It is. You're going to be a dad." We laughed and cried at the same time while we were holding each other close. It was by far the most beautiful moment we had ever experienced.

"I love you. And promise you to be the best dad for our baby. And to always be there for you and to take care of you. I won't miss a thing about this journey." He whispered in my ear.

Ben was talking to our little one every day, especially in the mornings and at night. He would talk to my belly, kiss it, caress it. I had never seen him being that soft before. I could see how excited he was to become a dad, and how he couldn't wait to hold our baby in his arms. We were fantasizing about it being a girl or a boy, talking about names, but most importantly we were protecting the baby with everything that we had.

—

Last night Ben gave me the baby shirt that I handed him back then. It brought back many memories. I held the shirt close to my heart.
Ben kept it in his office for two decades, but he decided that it was time for it to be close to both of us. It deserved to be in a home full of love, a home that we were creating. We also decided that we would tell the kids about what happened to us, they deserve to know what we experienced before they were born. We knew that it would be emotional for us to tell them about it, but we also didn't want to hide it anymore. Our baby deserved to be remembered by his siblings too, which is why we would tell our kids about him when the time was right.