Again

18

Today it was Mother's day. It was a beautiful sunday, sunny and peaceful. It also marked the first one that Ben and I would celebrate together.
It felt bittersweet, since it was also close to the date we lost our baby 18 years ago. But somehow, I was determined to make the best of this day. I would be surrounded by our kids and by the love of my life. That was everything I needed.

Ben woke me up with breakfast in his hands. He knew that I could never eat that much in the morning, so he kept it very simple, but that didn't make it less sweet. He kissed me on my forehead.
"Happy Mother's day mama."
"Thank you, baby." I smiled at him while he also handed me a bouquet of red roses. I marveled at the sight. He was so thoughtful, and it truly melted my heart. A card with a heart on it was attached to the bouquet. All kids wrote something sweet for me in it, which made me emotional when I started to read it.
"They're so sweet." I said while I looked at Ben with emotion in my eyes. He smiled at me and kissed my forehead.
"We all love you so much."

Ben also gave me a separate white rose. Like every year, he gave something to me in the name of our baby. "This one is from baby B." He took place next to me in bed and handed me the rose.
"Thank you." He pulled me closer on his chest as he started to caress my back.
We used to call our little one 'baby B' since we didn't had time to pick a name for him. However, to me he was already a mini version of Ben, so I started to call him 'baby B', and that name stuck in our heads.
"I've also got something else for you." I looked at him with a surprised face while I wiped my tears away. He carried a little box in his pocket, that he handed to me. I smiled at him as I carefully opened the box. It was a necklace with a yellow diamond heart attached to it. It was truly beautiful and I already fell in love with it.
"I picked it together with the kids."
I smiled at him and gave him a kiss.
"You're crazy, you know that?"
"Yes, I am, about you. Should I help you putting it on?"
I smiled at him while I moved my hair to the side so he could put the necklace on for me.
"It looks beautiful on you."

We've spend the rest of the day together with the kids. Ben's kids partly spend the day at our house and at their mom's. I appreciated them coming over and spending Mother's day with me too. It was magical to see all of our kids together at such a special day.
I felt very blessed to be surrounded by their presence. They brought so much love into the house. Even though it was also a bittersweet day for both me and Ben. It was not that easy for us to not really show our emotions, but at least we could share our thoughts and feelings with each other.

We prepared for bed, and I knew Ben noticed that i was more quiet than I usually was. I took place in our bed, and Ben did the same. I automatically took place on his chest. Words weren't needed in that moment, I only wanted to feel him close to me.
"Honey, I know you might not want to talk, but you know you can share any thoughts you have with me right? I just don't want you to be sad alone."
I nodded as I pressed a kiss on his chest. I didn't want to build a wall for Ben, but it was hard for me to accept the fact that the chance of having our own baby was very small. It was the one thing I would never have peace with, despite what everyone else was saying. Off course, I was grateful for all our kids and for our rekindled love. However, in a way it would always feel incomplete.

"Im sorry." I suddenly whispered.
"For what?" He asked why he was softly playing with my hair.
"You and the kids are just amazing. And look at me now, all being sad."
"Jen, listen to me. I understand you, and I want you to process your emotions.. I know me being in your life again brought back all kind of emotions and memories. You are allowed to be sad, but know that you don't need to do it alone. I am here, and even if you don't want to talk to me, I will still be here."

I looked up to look into his eyes. The tears were streaming down my face. The pain I felt was one I couldn't describe. The flashbacks of the day that I lost our baby were coming back again in my mind.

I remember how I was at my mom's house when it happened. We knew for 10 weeks that I was pregnant. Our family and friends didn't know, it was just our little secret. Sharing that with him was so special. We used to fantasize about our little family, about how our baby would look like and how we would raise him.
We were just over the moon with the news. It took me a while to get pregnant, so I was really relieved that we made it. I knew it wouldn't be an easy journey for us, so it was really a blessing from God. I knew before I took the test that it had to be positive. It was a special kind of feeling that I felt. I immediately noticed the little differences in my body, and I witnessed that natural glow on my face.

I remember how I told Ben that I thought that I was pregnant. I don't know how he did it, but he managed to buy two tests for me. Off course, it had to be done very discreetly since we didn't want the news to be spread around the world.
I remember how he came home with the tests. We waited until the next morning to do the tests. We were both nervous and excited. The time was going so slow, and in the end I didn't want to look because of my nervousness. I told Ben that he needed to look for me. All I could see was how his eyes got so big. The shock on his face was evident. I immediately knew that it was positive. It was the start of our life as a family.

Ben was amazing. He used to kiss my belly every morning and night. He even talked to our little one and used to tell him stories. It was a magical feeling to know that I was carrying his baby. He was the love of my life, and there was nobody else who I'd rather experience this magical time with. I knew that he was going to be the most amazing and caring father. Our little one was blessed to have him as such a loving dad. He always took good care of us, making sure that I had everything I needed. He wanted to do things different than his own dad, and it was evident that he tried his very best from the day that we knew I was pregnant.

The day that I lost our baby was when I visited my mom without Ben. He was busy doing something at work, while my mom and I were cooking together. A heavy pain came straight from my stomach and I immediately knew that something was wrong. All I could do was cry. All I could say to my mom was that she immediately needed to call Ben. Everything seems blurry from that moment. All I remember was how I quickly tried to move on without processing my emotions. Everyone around me was worried about me, while I didn't want to talk or think about our painful loss. It was my way to deal with the situation, but who knew that two decades later those heavy emotions I once put away would come back even stronger and more intense to me. 

I knew Ben and I both had our different ways to deal with our emotions. Eventually, that sadly also leaded to our break up. We were too young to deal with heavy situations. Not only the loss of our baby, but the whole attention around us from the media were too much for us to handle.
The only safe place we knew was each other, but back then we kind of lost that.

We didn't had each other in the past two decades, which resulted in us dealing with our emotions in other ways. It were not always the good ways, but we needed to do something in order to heal ourselves. Luckily we did, because that resulted to us being in this moment again.

"Thank you for coming back to me." I said while I looked into his eyes.
He looked at me with those pretty brown eyes of him. "Thank you for letting me. We will go through this, I promise."
I nodded as he pressed a gentle kiss on my forehead.

"I'm grateful for our kids. And that I can witness you being the amazing dad that you are. My dream came true, even if it's in another way now."
I saw how my words touched his heart as I saw the emotions in his eyes.
"And I'm grateful to see you as a mom. Because I always knew you would be the best mom of the world. You were the only woman I wanted to experience parenting with, and the first one who made me think about having a family. Having a family with you is everything i ever wanted."
He said while he slowly touched my face with his fingertips.

He was really everything I needed in order to be calmed down. I knew we would go through this. Together.