Again

11

Today we planned a movie night with the kids before we both needed to work again. it would be the last working week before we would go to our little getaway. Ben came over with a bunch of snacks, including lots of pizza boxes since that was their favorite food. He handed the boxes to Max while he took his time time to greet me, including some long hugs and kisses.
However, he didn't only bring snacks with him. He surprised me by bringing Sam with him. It was a pleasant surprise and one that slightly made me emotional. It was so special to meet him, especially because I could see so much of Ben in him. He was so sweet and immediately gave me a hug that really warmed my heart.
"Hi Sam. I'm so happy to finally meet you." I whispered in his ear.
"I'm so happy to meet you too!" He smiled.
I looked at Ben and saw the emotion in his eyes too. It was so beautiful to meet each other's kids, to see a part of us back in them.

All three of the kids were immediately caught up in the Disney movie they decided to watch. Honestly, Ben and I weren't really paying attention. We were cuddled up on a separate couch, enjoying the view of three of our kids sitting next to each other and enjoying each other's company. They were chatting, laughing and enjoying the movie. It was a imagination that became reality, a dream we used to have two decades ago. We wanted to have a family of our own and often imagined how it would look like.
"He looks so much like you." I whispered while I was lying down on his chest.
"You mean because he talks just as much as me?" He laughed.
"No, he's sweet like you. And I can already see that he is a real gentleman."
He kissed my head while we tried to focus on the movie.
"You know.. we can also go upstairs" I whispered in his ear.
He looked at me with a big smile.
"Your ideas are always the best."
We told the kids we had to do something upstairs and that they could continue to watch the movie. Luckily, they actually didn't pay attention to our announcement.

As we entered my room, Ben immediately started to kiss me. His hands were moving all over my body while he opened the bottoms of my shirt.
"One more time before we can be together for a whole week." He said while he continued to kiss my neck.
"About that, I have to do that performance on the day we will leave. And you need to present there, right? You think it will be obvious that something is going on between us?" I asked with a concerned voice.
"No, baby. You know, I'm a genius when it comes to hiding." He smiled.
I chuckled while i started to take off his clothes too.
"We really need to be careful. I want to have this moment for ourself. Especially for now."
He looked at me while he touched my face with his fingertips.
"Don't worry. Everything's going to be fine."

Having him in my bed again became more usual and I started to get used to the feeling of having him next to me again. I felt so safe and protected when he was next to me, that it started to feel weird if he was not.
He was playing with my hair while we were facing each other.
"You know how we used to dream about having babies on our own?" I whispered.
He smiled while he looked deeply in my eyes.
"It was our biggest dream." He added.
"It still hurts, Ben. I don't think that pain will ever go away. But having you here and seeing our kids together will maybe heal some things." He nodded and started to pull me closer to him.
"It will never completely heal us since we almost experienced it once. So, it's okay to still be sad about it. But at the same time we should be so grateful. We have each other, and we have all these loving teenagers around us."

He was right. We should be thankful that we could experience this, but that didn't mean that we weren't allowed to be sad about what could have been. The outside world never knew about the time we were supposed to have a baby, and that it didn't work out. It was a painful moment for both of us and a moment we never talked about again.
It increased our traumatic feelings, especially because we were never able to talk about it since our relationship was already being heavily criticized by the media.
"I think about him often." He suddenly whispered.
Hearing him say that broke my heart. I obviously did so too, but I never imagined him saying that to me.

"I wish we still had him." Tears were starting to stream down my face, I still felt the pain that I felt 20 years ago. And hearing Ben saying that he still thinks about our baby, broke my heart even more.
"You know, I'm sure he would be proud of us." Ben whispered while he started to dry my face.
"And that he wanted his parents to be happy." He added.

He was right. I liked to think that too. It was crazy that we already kept this secret to ourselves for 20 years. The only people who knew about it were our family and very close friends. One of the reasons why Ben and I never completely lost contact was that he always send me flowers on Mother's day to remember our baby. He did that for 20 years and never missed a year. He always added a little note to the flowers with 'BA' on it. That's when I knew it were the flowers he send to me in name of our baby. We promised each other to never forget about him, and we never did. Every year I wondered if I would receive the flowers, still not being used to it, but he never missed the moment. Even not when we were both married and with other partners. It was something that was between us, and it kept the connection between us alive. I never told any partner I was with about this secret we had. It felt too personal, and something I didn't want to think about often. I perceived it as something between me and Ben and I protected it with my whole heart. I didn't want to take the risk of it being leaked to the press, so I decided to never tell anyone else about it. Ben told me that he thought the same.

Our baby didn't make it to this world, but he has two loving and proud parents. Besides, he got a lot of siblings, and we know that he would be proud of us. We knew from a very early stage that it was going to be a boy, since it was so clear. It was from that moment we started to fantasize about our family, and about him. We were both very devastated when it didn't work out, but throughout the years I always felt his presence with me.

"Maybe we should tell the kids together about him, some day." Ben whispered.
I smiled. I never told the twins about what happened, because I didn't feel strong enough to do that on my own. However, I knew that one day they deserved to know this part of me as well. Especially now because they're old enough to understand.
"We should. It's time for them to know, when we feel like its the right time."
He nodded and pressed a kiss on my cheek.
"Let's go downstairs. I think they're wondering where we are."
"Okay". I smiled. "Let's go."