Again

51

I slowly walked into our room where I faced Ben. He was quietly sitting on the couch next to our bed. It was already midnight and the kids just went to sleep. I had noticed the questionable looks on their faces, but decided not to tell them about our moment earlier today. I didn't want them to worry. My body was still full of emotion, and my heart felt so heavy. I still stood by what I said to Ben, while I knew deep down that I of course couldn't be without him. It was all just too much for me. Being in our new dream house, with our kids, felt like heaven. But on the other hand, I still felt afraid for losing him. Like all of this could still be taken away from me.

"I'm sorry for today." I softly said.

He was looking down, his body looked awfully relaxed. He started to slowly look up to me. For the first time, it was difficult for me to read his face. Normally I could easily do that.

"You're not." He said.

He kept staring at me, until I said something back. But I couldn't. I could not tell him that he was wrong, because I knew that he wasn't. I didn't feel sorry, my emotions were very real when I started the fight. 

"You know, I understand where you're coming from, Jen. It's not easy for me either. Knowing that I should have been the biological father of your kids is hard for me too. You're not the only one that's suffering. And yes, I am selfish. I don't need to deal with Marc. Maybe that is my advantage. And yes, I am very aware of that. Honestly, we both know I wouldn't be able to deal with an ex of you. I'm too jealous. And God, I know I am asking too much of you to deal with mine, but I just know that your heart is so much bigger than mine is. That's why I know that you can. That's the difference between us.
      Baby, listen to me one more time. She is not you. She'll never be you. She never was. She is nothing compared to you. Like I said, she might be the mother of my kids, but she knows that was never enough for me to keep my heart. Because my heart has always been with you. My heart has never left you. I was married to her while I was still in love with you. And she knows that. She knows how I couldn't get rid of all the things that I still kept of you, all the memories that we shared. I was a terrible husband. I wasn't even a good dad. All because I wanted to be with you. For so many years I had to deal with the fact that you were not my wife. And that I was married to the wrong person. So, baby, please. I'm asking you, no, I beg you. I need you to believe me when I say that you should not worry about a thing. My heart always belongs to you. I am nothing without you."

I could only stare at him while tears were streaming down my face again. He slowly pulled me closer and took me into his arms. I couldn't stop sobbing, and all he did was holding me close. After a while he helped to dry my face, and offered me some water to drink.

"I don't want to fight with you." I whispered.

"I know." He said. "But you need to promise me that you won't walk away like you wanted to do. I can't do that again, Jen. Not anymore.
We have the kids now, we can't make the same mistakes as we made back then."

I nodded.

Our last months in our previous relationship were hard. We had discussions, not real fights, but often walked away from each other. Our communication was so bad. We were both afraid to tell each other the truth. And after a while, we ended up back in front of each other, had some make-up sex and acted like nothing happened at all. That was the way it always went.

Just when I was about to say something back to him, he started to kiss me. Typical.
I couldn't refuse, I was totally taken by the moment. The kiss got more passionate, and after a while we stopped to catch some air again.

"Just set your boundaries when you're with her. I can see it in her eyes, Ben. She's still crazy about you." I whispered.

He climbed on top of me and started to kiss my neck.

"She knows she can never have me. Matter of fact, she never had me in the first place." He sighed. "She knows that I have always been still f-cking crazy about you."

His words secretly made me smile, although it brought me back to reality how crazy life had been after our break up twenty years ago. We never moved on.

He kissed my breasts, teased my nipples, and slowly made his way down under. I was hypnotized under his touch, ready to take it to another level.

I rolled us over, so I could be on top. First I started to kiss him, while his hands were exploring my body. He slowly got up in a sitting position, which resulted in us being involved in passionate kisses while strongly embracing each other.

"If it was possible, I would have made you pregnant by now." He whispered in my ear.

I couldn't stop gasping because of his movements along with his revealing words.

"And you know I can't get enough of you. I would make love to you so many times a day that you wouldn't be able to count. Round and round and round." He gasped while his movements got faster.

His fingers were tracing down my face, where he took a moment to look deeply in my eyes. I felt connected to him on another level, like I had never before. He told me his deepest desires, and it felt intimate in a way that we hadn't experienced yet.

Finally, we both reached our climax which resulted in us lying down next to each other. Both still heavily breathing.

"Would you marry me if I would ask you again?" He suddenly said.

Certainly both shocked and amazed by his question, I kept looking at him.

His thumb was tracing down my cheeks.

"I still think about you as my wife, you know that right?"

I smiled.
He smiled back.

"You know, every morning, when we wake up and I analyze your finger.. I feel so stupid that you don't wear that ring anymore. It's a hard reality check that I had taken that away from you.
That's what I meant by saying that you're not the only one that's suffering, Jen. I suffer too, because of my own mistakes. But I know that I can make it all right one day. Everything will be the way it was once supposed to be. You and I are going to be fine. I just need you to believe in that."