Again

7

It was hard to fall asleep after he left. All I wanted was for him to come back to me and hold me in his arms again. But I knew it was not possible.
Shawn and Benny came over to spend the day with me. We decided to watch a movie and catch up before I needed to go back to work tomorrow.
I prepared dinner for them, but I couldn't really focus on our conversations.
"What going on, Jen?" Shawn asked.
"Nothing, just a little tired." I tried to laugh it off.
"He was here, right?" Benny said.
"Benny! No, he wasn't."
"Don't lie, Jen." He sighed.
I knew it was not a good idea to lie about it.
"Okay, he was. We talked. That was all." I said.
Shawn put her hand on my shoulder and started to hold me close. "You know Jen, I remember how heartbroken you were back them. And he was too. If there is one thing I'm sure of it's that he really loves you. And I'm sure you love him too. And that is all that really matters." She smiled.
I knew that she was right. I felt his love when he came over. The way he was still able to give me butterflies. There was no one who was able to make me feel like that.

As soon as Shawn and Benny left, I called Ben. The kids were still awake, so this time it was harder for him to sneak into the house if he would come over.
"Hi."
"Hi. How are you?" He asked.
"I'm okay. Are you still coming over?" I asked.
He chuckled. "Yes, I am. If you want me to."
I smiled. Off course I still wanted him to come over.
"There is only one thing. You can't hide from the twins today, I fear."
"I guess it's time for me to meet them, in that case." He said.
Although the thought of it made me nervous, I really wanted them to meet.
"Okay, I will tell them you'll come over for dinner."
"Alright, see you later then. Bye."
"Bye." I said.

I prepared dinner, again with the help of the twins, while I tried to find the right words to tell them he would come over tonight. It was not long ago while we formed a family with someone else, so I didn't want them to think I was moving on too fast. I wanted to take things slow for them, but at the same time this felt more right than anything I ever knew. Ben was the love of my life. He always was and always will be. That was different than introducing a random person to them.
"Guys, Ben is coming over tonight for dinner. If you don't mind. He wanted to meet you two." I carefully said.
They looked at me with a surprised faced, but I think I spotted some excitement.
"Finally." They said.
"How do you mean, finally?" I asked.
"Finally I can see Batman." Max said. It both made us laugh.

We made his favorite food. Rice, chicken and beans. My style. It used to be his comfort food, something he was always happy with whenever I made it for him. After I finished dinner, I changed in another outfit. Today I did my best. I did my hair and make up. Not too much, but enough to show that I did some effort. I also picked a little black dress. It was comfortable, but not too comfortable like yesterday's outfit. I wanted to look nice. For him.
I was just walking downstairs as I saw that he was in front of my gate. Again arriving in my escalade. I opened my front door, and there he was, arriving with his bag on his shoulder. As he came closer and closer, my heart was beating faster. I slightly started to bite my lip and I was breathing fast. He seemed relaxed, reached to me with his arm and pressed a kiss on my cheek.
"Hi." He smiled.
"Hi. Come on in."
"You look nice." He said while I walked in front of him. I turned around.
"Thank you." I smiled.

The kids greeted him nicely. I could see that they were kind of impressed by him, especially Max, since he was kind of a secret fan. I wondered why I was so nervous for this moment, because it felt so wholesome now to see the three of them. Once it was everything I ever wanted. A family with him, having our own kids, growing old together. Our kids playing in the backyard. A little boy, a little girl. Mini us. Those were all hopes and dreams that didn't became reality, but now we still had that in another way.
We enjoyed our food and we played some games with the kids. It was not a night of heavy conversations which I was happy about. They didn't ask him any difficult questions. At least not for now. It seemed that they all really liked each other, and that was all that I wished for. After a while, they decided to go to their rooms to go to sleep. They said goodbye to me and Ben and went upstairs. It was after that moment that I felt that tension between us again.

"Thank you for letting me meet them. They are amazing." He smiled.
"Thank you for being so sweet to them." I said.
"They are part of you. Of course they are amazing." His words touched me. All I could do was to stare in those eyes.
"Sometimes I wish it was different. They deserve a present father. Someone who takes them to school. Does things with them, goes out with them. It hurts me that they don't have that. For so many years I tried to do my best to be a mother and father at the same time. But it's not the same, Ben. It's not." I couldn't stop the tears that were streaming down my face. I was not an easy person to cry, but when it came to Ben, I was never able to hide my emotions.
"Jennifer, you did an amazing job. Mostly on your own. You raised them. They are like this because of you." He held me close while he stroked my hair.
"You're an amazing mother, and I always knew that." He whispered.
"And you're an amazing dad." I said while I looked at him.
He smiled while he wiped the tears away from my face.
"Shall we watch a movie?" He asked.
"Okay. You can choose."