Again

44

My watery eyes met his. He tried to comfort me by looking deeply into my eyes while caressing my face. My eyes showed pain, while I wanted to be strong. I just couldn't anymore. I tried for so long to be strong and to act that I was alright, but the truth was that I still felt the hurt. The wrong things that happened to me in the past were still haunting me until this day, even though I tried to let go of it.

"You might not going to like what I will say now." I whispered. "And the last thing I want is to hurt you, or to be mad at you. You know how I don't want to cause any trouble."

"Baby, all I want is for you to say what's on your mind." He reassured me.

I sighed deeply while I tried to deny any eye contact with him. It would be too hard for me to say certain things while looking into his eyes.

"For a long time, after our break up, I was so mad at you. I just couldn't look at you whenever I saw your face somewhere. I couldn't hear your name. I avoided every question about you. But at the same time I wanted to be with you. No, I wanted to run to you, hold you, scream at you and beg you to come back to me. But instead I had to live with the fact that you were not mine anymore. You were someone else's. You were a husband, a father. And I was nothing to you."

Tears were streaming down my face while I felt his hand slowly reaching for my shoulder. I could see in the corner of my eye that he was struggling with his emotions too.

"And I know that I did you wrong too, I know I shouldn't have married another man so soon. I know I hurt you too with that. But I couldn't find any other way to deal with our break up, other than trying to find comfort in the arms of someone else. And if I could turn back time I would. Believe me, I would. I would stay with you, even though we were fighting. I would give it all up for you. My life at that time, my career, everything. If that would mean I would still have you by my side."

Telling him this felt like a relief, but at the same time I felt like a knife was stabbing me in my heart. All I could do was crying. And he reassured me, of course he did. He was the cause of the pain, but also my medicine.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He said while holding me close.
"You were never nothing to me." He whispered.

"And I am grateful to have our kids, to share this blended family with you. And I am more than thankful that I had the chance to carry your baby, but I have such a hard time accepting that we never had the chance to raise our child. That I never witnessed you being cute with our baby, because you know how many dreams we both had about that." I said while he still held me closely to his chest.

I heard nothing from his side, but heard how he was softly crying. His hand was caressing my cheek while his chin rested on my head. And we stayed in that position for a while.

"You know, when I see you with the kids, I think about how I always used to dream of you being the mother of my children. You were the first woman that ever made me think about having a family. And I know I can never make it up to you for what I did, for letting you down. And that is a hard thing I have to live by. But I hope that our kids can heal a part of that pain that I caused to you."

I nodded and started to dry my tears.

"All I want is for us to be happy. And I really want to leave everything that happened to us behind. And I did forgive you, even if I was mad at you for a long time. I know we both hurt each other."

He softly kissed my forehead.

"We have to forgive each other, and ourselves. Because if we can't, we won't be able to look forward. And like I said, the problem here was me. You never did something wrong. You never have to feel guilty for moving on, because I know why you did it. You gave me plenty of chances and I was too immature and I let you down, I took your love for granted and I have to live with that pain for the rest of my life. And you know that I blamed myself for years, and how I couldn't live with that pain."

"Ben, I did forgive you. I feel your love every second of the day. I know that you love me unconditionally. And there is no one in this world that knows me better than you do. You even know me better than I know myself. I am nothing without you."

I rested my head on his shoulder and took a few deep breaths. I knew we still had a long way to go when it came to processing our traumas from the past. And part of me was scared that we never would. But I was relieved to know that my concerns were safe with him, and that all he wanted to do was to reassure me that I would never feel that pain again.