Sins of the Rebels (Lush Trans Series #1)

Chapter 43

Hermideo was gently scrubbing my bare shoulder with a bath loofah sponge. And as I lay my back on his chiseled wet chest, I could feel the strange warmth of his body, tainted by the lust and temptation of this sinful world, despite how wet he was because of the warm water with bubbles filling the tub.

Kinukulong ng dalawang matitigas at mababalbon na binti niya ang aking tagiliran habang naka-lubog ang aming mga katawan sa bathtub na may bath bomb na chamomile vanilla ang amoy, na nakakagaan talaga sa pakiramdam.

It felt so good to open up about my trauma of attempted rape, and he was very attentive, he was hearing me out. Hindi man nangyari ang binabalak ni Sir Avellana sa akin, ngunit iba ang naging epekto nun sa akin.

Hermideo sincerely apologized for what he did to me months ago, na halos hindi ko na nga iniisip pero alalang-alala pa niya kung ano ang ginawa niya sa akin noon, nung mga panahong tarantado, basagulero tapos genggeng pa siya.

Medyo genggeng pa rin naman siya ngayon pero may improvements na siya, unti-unti na siyang nagbabago, napapansin kong nawawala na ang jologs trait niya! I don't want that to happen! Ugh. I may have dreamt of him treating me like a binibini, showing me the maginoo side that he possesses. He is so cool and so cute that way 'cuz of his jologs trait.

And it seems like... I had grown out of my trauma the moment I spoke with him about what transpired back in Manila, when he asked earlier while I was filling the tub with water, well not totally grown out, because the anxiety and fear was still there.

I was never comfortable and relaxed when I told my friends about my trauma, it was hard. And also Hunter, his cousin. Oo, sinabi ko sa kanila pero hindi lahat ng detalye, I was not letting all my feelings out.

And to my shock, I, for the first time, was relaxed and comfortable opening up about my trauma to him earlier. All of my feelings were out this time. I didn't expect him to ask me about it either.

I do not have a grip on trauma. Trauma has a grip on me. I cannot choose to let go of something that will not let go of me. I do not refuse. In fact, I've spent so much time trying frantically to open my hand and let it go, only to look at my hand and find out that it was empty all along.

Trauma is not in our hands to be let go. It is in our hearts and minds to be faced, validated, honored, processed and integrated.

You can't do all those things if you keep trying to let it go and get rid of it.

At this point, I can certainly say that my real life began the moment I fell in love with him, with Hermideo. I had finally snapped out of the fog and brought myself back into reality.

Is this where I can begin letting go of my fears and doubts, quite possibly?

Now, what I realized somewhere within the transition from emotionally frozen in time to being mature was that I didn't know who I was or what I was all about...

I was afraid of the future and the unknown. It did take me years of reading, learning, listening and then finally speaking.

When I began communicating with someone who would understand me, who would listen to me, I had accumulated many many years of learning about human growth, living responsibly, and trying to enjoy life learning what laughter was and what the terms— living and learning were truly all about. I did feel for years that I was learning but when was I going to start living?

A huge thing I was experiencing was that as I finally began communicating, after years of learning, was that I was overcoming fears and doubts and I felt as though I was an onion and Hermideo was removing layer upon layer of onion peel. You may not understand that but that is the best thing I can think of how to describe it.