| Natasha Romanoff x Y/N Stark |

Chapter 35

We ended our night with the reputation stadium tour. "Ok then I'll take the trash with me and have a word with Natasha"
"Thanks dad. And you don't need to talk to Natasha, Clint already wanted to do that. Love you"
He placed another kiss on my forehead and nod "Love you too kiddo, remember you can always count on me" And with that he left and tiredness took over me, so I fell asleep with the sun rising.

I woke up to a soft knocking on my door.
I was almost certain who that sound belonged and my eyes locked with the box in which the knives laid. "Who's there?" I didn't want to judge beforehand.
"It's Nat...we need to talk" her voice sounded rough and vulnerable like she's been crying. "Y/N please. I-I talked to Clint and..." I felt bad, based on her voice she's feeling like shit. I could imagine her red eyes and chaotic hair, her hands probably bruised from training without gloves. But as much as it hurt me, I didn't wanna talk to her. She'll give me just another excuse why she did what and in the end she doesn't even mean it. "No we won't...not now. I don't wanna hear some lame excuse that doesn't mean anything. You're here because otherwise Clint would be mad at you and I understand it but I don't want to waste my time on something that doesn't even matter in the end." I hated myself, a part of me doesn't want to be so rude to her. I want to listen to what she says and maybe we could work it out. "No Y/N wait. There wasn't a game, I was jus-" "Stop it Natasha. I wouldn't believe you right now anyways. Just leave. Leave me alone... that's what you're best at..." I choked the last words and tears were streaming down my face again. Was I reasonable? No. But I need some more time to calm down and actually listen to her. To believe what she says. I slid down on my door and tried to keep my sobs silent. I'm such an idiot.

After I watched a few episodes of the mentalist I went into our family kitchen to make myself a coffee. I listened to the constant buzzing of the coffee machine when little steps came nearer.
"Y/N!! You want a cookie?" I crouched down to Morgan and nod "Of course sunshine, thank you" "You look bad Y/N, are you sick?" I smiled at the brutal honesty but nod "Yeah, something like that. That's why I'm in my room most of the time but I really wanted a coffee" I love Morgan but there are a few things she doesn't need to bother with. I took my coffee and another cookie before heading back to my room. For some time I just stood there, wondering what I should do. It was around 8 so I decided to paint for a while. I looked for an idea, ending up on sketching cute little monsters on a random sheet of paper and coloring them afterwards for the next four hours. I think Pietro knocked to bring me something to eat but I wasn't hungry or in the mood to talk to anyone.

In fact I wasn't in the mood for anything that consists existing right now. I sighed and put on a sweatshirt and leggings. I took my phone and one of my new knifes and made my way to the roof.
I stepped out of the door and took a deep breath. It felt like a bit of life got back into my body. I sat down on the edge, my legs dangling and started a random playlist. I just stared at the city's nightlife.

'Cause I have hella feelings for you
I act like I don't fucking care
Like they ain't even there
Cause I have hella feelings for you
I act like I don't fucking care
Cause I'm so fucking scared
I'm only a fool for you
And maybe you're too good for me
I'm only a fool for you'
...

My vision got blurry due to new tears that were filling my eyes. I looked at the knife in my hand.
The beautiful blade, almost too beautiful to get it covered in blood one day.
But now that I think about it, these knives are so...perfect. Natasha knew from training that I'm better with knives than in hand to hand combat but she actually took time to read my S.H.I.E.L.D. files and talk to Phil or Loki. Otherwise she couldn't know so much about my fighting stil, the blade had a great length - thickness relation and the handle laid perfectly in my hand. The colors were proof that it's custom made. She put so much thought in that present. She's such a caring person if she wants to. And I couldn't even listen to her. I didn't even gave her a chance to explain herself.
Why couldn't I just trust her. I'm an idiot. Selfish and auuugh. Stupid. And again I sat there crying, but this time because of anger. I'm so angry at myself for being...like I am. I should've listened to her. Or not having hopes from the start. Everything inside me wanted to scream as my sobs became louder and my body began to shake. Why am I like this?

I heard steps coming nearer but they seemed so far away that barley processed it until two strong arms wrap around me, pulling me into their embrace.
"Oh Y/N..." They leaned on the edge, facing the roof, not the open city, making sure I was safe. Even if I'd wanted to try I probably wouldn't be able to jump off now. The sobs escaping me didn't became less but at least quieter but I failed to calm my body from shaking uncontrollably. "Shh it's ok. It's alright Y/N. I'm here for you" I began to process my surroundings again, her calming voice, her distinctive smell and the glimpse of red hair I could make out in the darkness. Natasha was here.
"Come on, let go of the knife. Just give it to me, it's alright" I didn't realize I hold onto the knife as if my life depended on it until now. My left hand grabbed the handle so tight, my knuckles turned white and my right hand hold onto the blade, not as thight as my left but enough that red liquid covered both, the knife and my hand. I just took it with me because I considered going for a walk later and would've put it into the holster in my jacket. Now she carefully took it from me and put it away without letting me escape her hug - not that I'd want to. She continued to whisper sweet nothings until I calmed down and whispered "'m sorry"
The redhead leaned back a bit and made me look into her eyes "Don't say that. There's no reason to be for you." I nod slowly "Sorry" and carefully leaned back into her embrace, afraid that a wrong move would destroy everything, not sure if she was ok with that. The redhead chuckled but shook her head "No I am sorry Y/N. I truly am. I abused every single bit of trust you gave me and I'm sorry for that. I promise, there wasn't some game or a bet that made me do things. It was a stupid excuse to push you away and not because I don't like you but because I do. I have some sort of feelings for you I never experienced with someone before. I got scared, scared that I would mess things up, scared that your dad would hate me, you would hate me, scared that I couldn't protect you and scared of feeling so much. I got scared of my own feelings and after Bucky and Sam walked in I didn't think straight and said so much I shouldn't have said. I understand if you don't trust me again but I wanted to explain. I was never playing you. I wouldn't dare playing you, not because anyone would be mad at me but because you're such a wonderful person and I know that if you told me that someone was playing you, I'd hunt them down and make them regret it. Everything we had was real. I promise. I just got scared and couldn't think straight and I'm sorry" She sniffled and I wrapped my arms around her waist, carful not to bleed on her sweatshirt. "I think it's not that bad that you're not straight, you know?" I joked, a small smile playing on my lips knowing how bad that joke was but I couldn't resist. "You're so goofy, that wasn't even funny" she laughed for a short moment and pulled me somehow even closer. "I forgive you Natasha. I know how it feels when you're overwhelmed by feelings and stuff and I know how that can lead to weird reactions. You hurt me and you'll need to give me some time to rebuild all that trust but that's ok. Emotions are some weird thing, that does weird things to our brain which leads to us doing even weirder things" "Thank you. You don't know how much this means to me" I turned around so my feet were on solid ground again and we stayed like this for some time, leaning against each other and looking up at the stars. "Let me take care of your hand" Natasha said and pulled me softly with her. I changed back into my pj's at my room before we went to hers, where she carefully cleaned the cuts and put a bandage around it. Taylor Swift was playing quietly in the background and when she put the trash away I laid down on the couch I was sitting on til now. Exhaustion took over me and I barley heard it when Natasha came out of her bathroom again with my knife, which she just cleaned and said "You know, I gave you this to hurt the bad guys or do something useful some day, not to hurt yourself on accident" I just smiled lazily and hummed in response what caused the redhead to chuckle "Night принцесса" with that she covered me with a blanket and brushed some hair out of my face.
"Night Tasha" with that I fell asleep, for the first time since christmas in actual inner peace and some sort of happiness. Maybe this would turn out good after all.

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words: 1776

I didn't manage to get New Years day into the New Year's day chapter but you'll get it next week 🩵💚

I actually wanted to let the drama go on for a while but couldn't do it in the end because first of all, how should I manage New Year's Eve with that and second I just hate drama tbh

And after next weeks chapter there'll be only the regular updates again but I had so many ideas for christmas and new year's eve that it wouldn't fit in two chapters (as you may have witnessed)

Love you, stay safe 💚🩵