A Court of Secrets and Moonlight

43: Most

Leur

I was dying. I was sure of it.

Laughter, loud and cackling. Mocking me, mocking my pain, mocking my sobs as I fell to pieces.

What did you do to me?

My baby, my baby, my baby.

I could not feel anything but pain, could not see anything but my mother's stiff, brutalized body, could not think of anything but the loss that was ripping through my soul.

I screamed, hoping and praying that anyone would hear me. But it was too late, too late to save us, and I was alone.

The world shifted on its axis and I was drowning. All I could see, all that I was, it was just shining golden light. The opposite of myself, of my lavender shadows and black shadowy power. I did not belong, but yet I did. It called to something I did not know was inside of me, something I did not know I could be. But I was, and then I was gasping for breath. I crawled to shore, so confused, so utterly and completely lost. No names, no memories, just pain. And once again, I was alone.

But then there were hands on me, voices cutting through the light. A dark hand reached towards me. Calling for me, ripping me from the dream, holding me close.

My eyes shot open, my lungs gasping for breath, and all of it vanished.

I was in my bedroom, and Rhysand was holding me. For a moment, I expected to see my bedroom at our cabin in Windhaven, or maybe my old quarters in the House of Wind. I did not expect to see the House of Song's stained glass windows lighting up my brother's face with color. I did not expect to see him in this house ever, but it was real. This house was now in Velaris, and I had survived all of it. I was home, I had made it home.

"You're okay, Leur." He soothed, "You're alright. It was just a dream."

My breath was still coming in pants as he shushed me, the way he had so many times as a child. How many years had I spent wishing and praying to get back to that place, that safety, both before and after my death? How many times had I looked at Rhys and wished I could let go of the resentment and lingering pain? To get back to that trust I had for him in my childhood, that unwavering faith that he would always be there, that he'd never leave me alone.

"You're here." I said, my hands fisted in the back of his shirt. The familiar scent of jasmine and citrus in my nose brought tears to my eyes as if this was my first time truly seeing him since my return. It felt like this was the first time I was truly seeing my brother in long over 500 years. It wasn't just about the dream, about this moment. This was every time I had ever looked behind me and found myself alone. This was every moment he had looked the other way.

"I'm sorry that you ever thought I wouldn't be." His voice sounded younger when he spoke, not the High Lord but just my older brother, "I'm sorry that I ever wasn't."

I pulled back from him, finding tears on his face. His violet eyes were red, yellow healing bruises on his cheekbones, lip still split. There was such guilt on his features, the shame of centuries in the look.

"I'm sorry for what I said. I'm sorry for blaming you. I'm sorry I wasn't there when I said I'd be." I watched him break, watched everything come rushing back to the surface, "I'm sorry for all the years before, for every time I didn't say anything, for every time I failed you." He was sobbing as he spoke, all shaking hands and red cheeks.

"It's okay." I soothed, my own sorrow caught in my throat as I rubbed his back, "I was upset, I didn't mean it."

He shook his head, hands braced on my shoulders, "It is not okay, Leur. None of it is okay. You don't need to dull it down to make me feel better."