A Court of Secrets and Moonlight

75: Acceptance

Azriel

I didn't know how to feel.

On one hand, everything had worked out. In fact, things had actually gone better than we initially planned. Not only did we rescue Elain, but Leur and Tamlin had also managed to make a substantial hit on Hybern's army. Enough that they would be in near complete disarray for the next few days. My spies had even reported that the King himself had been injured in the attack.

More so, they had managed to get the entirety of Tamlin's army out of the base. As soon as the bite marks all over his body were patched up, he was going to head to find them as well. That was what the screaming had been. Hybern hadn't been expecting us to move towards them so soon, hadn't been expecting to have to attack us when they did in the last battle. Tamlin's armies had been redirected back to the base camp after realizing they would not make it in mine. Leur had simply ordered Tamlin to lead his armies outside the camp, and the High Lord had gone nearly feral. They fought their way out tooth and nail, and there was no bargain for the King to call in to stop them. Not one that could override the blood bargain coursing through Tamlin's veins.

On top of everything, Jurian was unaccounted for. He had been the one to gather the human girl, Briar, for Leur. I knew exactly why my mate saved her the moment I saw her. Knew that she would not leave her behind, not after she knew all too well the type of torture Hybern could inflict.

It was that very same fact that had me so angry I didn't entirely know what to do with myself. Time and time again, Leur acted as if she was expendable. She knew all too well how I felt on the subject. She knew that if I lost her again, I wouldn't survive it. And still, she had sacrificed herself twice in the span of a week, nearly died since coming back more times than I could even count. It felt like I was walking on eggshells, just waiting for that second shoe to drop- waiting for her luck to run out.

At the same time, it was difficult to be angry with her when I knew damn well that I would have done the exact same thing. I would have thrown myself in front of Cassian, and I would have stayed behind in that camp. More so, Rhys had just laid into her for nearly half an hour. At some points, Feyre had even joined in. I wasn't entirely sure I had ever seen either of them that angry. It reminded me of when Hashna would get mad, how she used to scold us. Was there anything I could say that they had not?

And I had been so convinced that she had a plan when she put that bind in our heads. I had thought that there was no way she would let herself get dragged away blind. But when she sat there and let them yell at her, when she said pretty much nothing to defend herself- I knew she hadn't. I knew that she made a split second decision, and was lucky that things didn't go a hell of a lot worse than they did.

Finally, I just didn't think I could stay angry with her. Not when it was that very same bravery and selflessness that made me love her in the first place, not when she was sitting here alive. The only sign of hurt were a few bruises and scrapes along with the wound on her thigh, one that would be healed within a day. She was alive and fine, sitting here snickering with Tamlin as a healer placed bandages on his shoulder.

As I sat in the shadow of her bedside, I didn't entirely know how to feel seeing them interact. It only added to the complexity of it all. I was grateful to the male for saving her, for being a loyal friend to her, for fighting at her side. But there was another part of me- a beast of a thing that lingered deep within my chest. The part that saw him and knew that he had touched her, and wanted to kill him for it. The part that was jealous that he was there to protect her when I was not, the pettiness of hating all the time he got with her that I did not. The part that wanted to rip his eyes out of his skull for the way they shone when he looked at her.

It was irrational and nothing but pure male possessiveness- but irrevocable nonetheless. All I could truly do was try not to let it show on my face as I watched them talk.