A Court of Secrets and Moonlight

40: Death

Leur

500 years ago, her last day

"If you don't hurry up, we're going to be late." My mother's voice chided in the doorway.

My hands were writing faster than I was thinking, words pouring out of me and onto the paper. Perhaps it was a reckless thing to do, but what did it matter? I deserved my goodbyes, and If I could only write them- if I would never get the chance to say them, then so be it.

This was the last letter, perhaps the most important one.

"I'll meet you on the balcony in a moment." I answered her, "Just let me get this idea out before I forget it."

My mother sighed, wings ripping down her back, "You and your songs."

It was meant to be a sarcastic comment, I was sure. But the adoration seeped into her voice anyways. She loved my music, would spend hours listening to every melody that had popped in my head, pour over every lyric I sung as if she could see into my soul. It was fitting that she would remember me this way, fitting that she would believe I was simply writing music the day before I disappeared.

The truth was much more grim.

As per usual.

She strode from the room as I signed my name, and heartbreak blossomed in my chest as I sealed the final envelope. It wasn't enough. Every word in my heart, the boundless love I felt for my family, reduced to a few measly pages each. It was so hard to convey what I truly felt, so hard to write a goodbye without apologizing.

I tucked the letters away in my desk, hoping someone would find them. I tried not to picture it, Rhysand or my mother, coming in here to find some comfort. Maybe they'd want to clean out the room, or maybe they'd just want to see the last bits that remained of me. A shaking hand would open the drawer, and these final words would be waiting.

I took a final glance around the room, knowing full well I'd never see it again. And the city, I would never see the city again. My home, beautiful and glimmering beneath strong mountain peaks- this was it. My final memory here.

It didn't feel real, the idea so unattainable in my mind that it was implausible. But it was happening, and I couldn't decipher what I truly felt as a tear slipped down my cheeks.

A glance in the mirror had me adjusting the crown on my head, swirling black metal, sapphires and amethyst. The moon and the sun adorned with jewels sitting atop my head. So often it felt like a curse to wear it, but today- it simply felt right. Today I couldn't bring myself to part with it, even if it was impractical for a simple day at the cabin. It was all I would take with me from my home, just this and Azriel's bracelet.

Soon, I would only have these tiny possessions and my memories.

I didn't look back at the room as I left. I didn't think, I just met my mother on the balcony and threw myself into her arms. She was warmth and safety, home in every sense of the word.

"What's the matter, honey?" Her voice was soft and comforting, like a lullaby.

What could I say?

The truth wasn't an option, but what other reason did I have for being this way today?

And I wanted so many things. I wanted to barrel down the library steps again with Mor and Rhys. I wanted to go cliff diving with Cassian. I wanted to chase Tamlin with a sword through the trees like we were still children. I wanted to fly with Azriel. I wanted memories, so many more memories. And there was no time for them.

But more than that, I wanted my mother.

I wanted her to brush my hair and sing to me the way she had when I was a child. I wanted the safety of knowing she would always look out for me. I wanted the sound of her voice scolding me, the soft look on her face as she gave me advice. I wanted a million more dresses made by her hands, to stand and be a model for her, pins slipping in her hands and poking into me. I wanted the comfort and security that only a mother's touch could offer. I wanted her to hold me and tell me everything would be all right, that she'd talk to my father, that she'd make it all go away.