A Court of Secrets and Moonlight

10: The Last Starfall

Leur

7 months after the wall

I sat on the edge of the mountaintop, my legs dangling, swirling between the soft chiffon layers of my soft blue dress. I stared up at the sky, watching the rainbow of stars glimmering across the night sky like comets. Hundreds of thousands of them, twirling around one another, shimmering as they traveled.

For a moment, I wished to be a star like that. Pure, far away, untouched by the darkness.

I'd know their secrets, and I could leave my own behind.

"What are you doing all the way up here?" That silken voice curled around me, just moments before I felt his shadows. My heart cried out for him, but my body just kept staring at the sky.

"Watching." I answered simply.

I felt the warmth of his body settle next to me, saw the warm blue siphons glowing on his wrists out of the corner of my eye, "I was looking for you. I've never known you to sit out on dancing."

"Perhaps I'm just taking a page from your book." I countered, finally turning to look at him.

The starlight made his face glow, those hazel eyes staring at me with tendrils of gold snaked throughout them. The look on his face made my heart hurt. How undeserving could one person be of their mate? Perhaps I was cursed to end up exactly like my father in the end. Wicked, reticent, and traitorous- Cauldron-blessed with a mate I could never deserve. I could spend the rest of my immortal life trying to make up for what I had done, and I'd never even come close to being worthy him.

"I'll dance if you do." He offered, a wry smile on his face.

It hurts, the shadows hissed in my ear, go to him. Make it stop.

I forced a smile of my own, "Tempting."

Every cell in my body wanted to break, to tell him everything, to throw the secrets out the window and let him in. Could I be so selfish as to drag him down to hell alongside me?

"I'm shocked that didn't work." He nudged his knee into mine, and I could feel his worry pulling that bond tighter and tighter. My skin burned where he touched me, soft tugging from my shadows drawing towards him.

If I let him in, I'd never be able to let him go again. I'd claw and burn him to pieces with all of my lies, my worthless shattered heart.

"I never said it didn't." I nudged his knee back, something like a spark flickering where our skin met. I heard him draw a breath, but he ignored it.

He'd never say anything, and neither would I.

I had no idea if he knew what we were- if he felt the bond between us. I never spoke of it because I couldn't. I knew full well what my father would do, the torture he'd inflict, the prejudices he held. Maybe he knew the same, and never said anything for the same reasons. Maybe he didn't feel the bond, and maybe that was for the best.

But the last option was the worst. The possibility, soul-crushing and heart-wrenching, that he felt the bond, and rejected it.

"So, are you going to tell me what's going on with you?" He interrupted my thoughts, "Or should I keep guessing?"

"What do you mean?" I lied, and he knew it.

"This is our first Starfall back together in years. We've all been on separate corners of the battlefield for four years, and now we're all here. We're all alive, and you're sitting up here instead of running around teasing Rhys and Cassian and forcing me to dance." He frowned.

If only he knew what that survival cost, the shreds of myself I had offered up to ensure their lives.

"Does it matter?" I offered, hoping he'd sense my reluctance.