A Court of Secrets and Moonlight

41: Family

Azriel

It took me longer than I would care to admit to go home.

Her emotions were utterly walled off from me, sealed like a tomb. She let me feel that she was alive, that she was breathing, but that was about it. And there was so much that needed to be done in the aftermath of the battle. Meetings with my spies, plans laid out, targets and reconnaissance- a welcome distraction from the turmoil in my mind. Perhaps it was selfish of me to leave her alone in this, the way I had before. Perhaps she felt the same about me as she had about Rhys. I couldn't face it. Maybe it made me a coward, but I could not bear to see that same accusation in her eyes that had been there when she looked at Rhys. I couldn't hear her blame me for what I knew was my failure. It was a mate's duty to protect the other, their children above all else.

But finally, after a day, I mustered the strength to fly home. I found it in myself to land on the balcony to our room. Fully prepared for a fight, to have my ass handed to me, to have a long drawn out conversation about it, to face the consequences no matter how badly they hurt. But she wasn't there. I could scent her nearby, but the room was empty. The only light in the entire house was from the moon. No faelights, no glowing candles, no music or humming. The house was utterly lifeless.

Something in me sent my body running, my feet carrying me to search for her. She wasn't in the bathroom, wasn't in any of the shadowy hallways, wasn't on the stairs, not in the kitchen, not in the library, not in the archives. Lunet wasn't anywhere to be seen either. My heart thundered in my chest, panic seeping into my bones.

But then I found her.

Curled on her side on the couch, still in the bloody armor she had been wearing when I last saw her. Face blank, unfeeling, as if she did not exist. Lunet was curled by her feet, a watchful blue-eyed gaze fixed on her. The feline chirped as I came into the room, looking at me with something like panic in her eyes. As if she was asking where I had been, how I had let this happen.

And I realized then that she did not have me walled off. There was no block on the bond, nothing keeping me from feeling her. She simply just felt nothing, utterly blank as she lay there staring straight ahead. She looked like a corpse, as if there was nothing left of her.

And I was her mate.

Her mate.

I hadn't been there when she lost the baby, or for any of the years afterwards. I hadn't known, not by her fault or my own. I simply didn't know. But now I did, I had for an entire day. And I had left her alone in this.

How many times had I sworn no harm would come to her? How many promises had I made that I would never allow her to feel pain? How had I not considered that it meant sparing her from her own mind too?

I knelt on the ground before her, but she did not look at me. She did not even acknowledge me. She just stared straight ahead, unseeing, unfeeling. I had done this too, for months after she died. I shut down for a long time, lost in the song of my own shadows, in memories and feelings.

"I'm sorry." The words left my mouth before I could stop it, my hand finding one of her own. Her skin was cold.

"I promised you would never be alone." I breathed, "I broke that, and I'm so sorry."

Nothing. No acknowledgment. No sign of life.

"But I'm here now. I'm here, and you are going to be okay." I promised, my other hand stroking her cheek, "I'm here, baby."

Lunet walked up to where Leur was curled, her tiny paws digging into the armor as she nudged her head against her owner's. And still, there was nothing. The cat looked at me then, and I could have sworn there was sadness on her face.