The infinitely line of salt water stretched alongside the sky with combination of orange and pink hues. My palm absorbed the heat coming from mug of coffee I am holding. I watch how the sun settled in the horizon.
I'm physically tired and want to sleep, but I really want to witness the beautiful sunset. Nasa tuktok kami ng bangin ngayon, mayroong tent na malaki dahil dito namin napagpasyahan ni River na magpalipas ng gabi.
I am glad that I've decided to come with River in this place. Napakagandang tanawin ng dagat at langit. Ngayon ko lang na appreciate ang kapaligiran dahil matagal ko nang ikinukulong ang sarili sa isipan.
"Penny for your thoughts?" River sat next to me, may hawak din siyang tasa ng kape. Parehong half dry ang buhok namin dahil sa paglalakwatsa kanina. Nananakit ang paa ko dahil ang layo ng mga nilakad namin, nakakapaso din kasi ang puting buhangin at araw kanina, kahit nga nag sunblock ako ay naapektuhan padin nito ang aking balat.
"Not much. Palaisipan lang sa akin kung bakit mo ako dinala dito." sagot ko.
"You seem like you need to unwind, Cia." River sipped his coffee, malayo ang tingin nito. "I don't mean to pry, but if everything feels heavy, remember that I'm always here to help." River looked at me with care and sympathy.
Hindi ko magawang suklian ang tingin niya kaya tinuon ko ang pansin sa papalubog na araw. Masyado na palang halata sa akin ang pagka stress. When did he get the hint that I'm not okay? Simula nung pagbuksan ko siya ng pintuan sa apartment ko? Is that why he invited me here?
He knew all along but didn't forced me to open up or directly confront me. I can see that River is trying not to rub salt in my wound, I appreciate his consideration because it's not really easy to reminisce my past and share it with another person.
People would ask why you're acting all depressed without thinking that their question will make you remember so many painful memories. They don't care about that, all they want is you to explain so that they can understand. And when you decided to go with the flow and give them an explanation, they would brush it off as excuse and invalidate you again. Breaking you more into pieces. Paulit-ulit ka nilang sisirain at walang makikinig.
Sanayan nalang siguro. Maraming beses ko ng naranasan iyan. Kay Ciara at sa mga iba kong nakasiping na akala ko noon ay mahal akong totoo. A lot of people I've fucked confessed that they love me, they truly loved me and will keep loving me forever, huwag ko lang sabihin ang tinatagong dumi. I told them anyway, kaya nga nag-iisa padin ako ngayon dahil lahat sila ay umalis matapos ako pandirian.
I'm an honest person. Just ask and I wouldn't hesitate to show you who I am. Sila ang magdedecide kung iiwan nila ako o hindi. People come and go. I keep repeating that to myself and accepted that long time ago, it fucking hurts though.
"Hindi mo ba ako tatanungin?" Naiinip kong ani. Nakalahati ko na ang kape, binaba ko muna ito at humalumbabang nakipagtitigan kay River.
"Tanungin ng alin?" Nawawala niyang sabi.
"Tanungin kung bakit ako ganito. Ano yung bumabagabag sa'kin, ano yung ikinalulungkot ko. You're curious, aren't you?"
"Yes, I am." Napapikit si River nang tumama sa mata niya ang kulay kahel na sinag mula sa araw, umiba muna ito ng pwesto bago magpatuloy.
"Gusto kong malaman dahil nag-aalala ako sayo, Cia. But that would be rude and insensitive, I can wait until you're ready to release it. Ikaw ang magdedesisyon kung pagkakatiwalaan mo ako. Hinding hindi kita ilalagay sa posisyon na pipilitin mo ang sarili mo. I just had to let you know that you don't need to keep it all yourself. I'm here and will always be here for you, Cia." River's gaze softened as I heard him say the words that seems very unreal to hear.
