A Court of Shadows and Pain

Thirty-eight

Solstice morning.

She had spent the last few decades celebrating the holiday alone. This would be the first time in a long while she would have people around her.

Her talk with Azriel had kept her awake all night, her tear stained cheeks being proof of it. She had pushed him away and she felt like it was better this way.

At first everything had just been for sex. A distraction. Then she actually started to like him, but she couldn't let herself love him.

What if she turned out the be the betrayer he had called her? She had already started it by talking to Eris.

Besides that, she was a terrible person. He shouldn't love her.

Even though everything in her told her to run to his room and talk to him, to touch him, she couldn't let herself do it.

Valery looked at the gift on her nightstand with the name Azriel written on it. She had been planning to give it to him in private, but maybe she would just leave it in his room after last night.

She kept reminding herself; it was better this way. There was no way for her to hurt him if she kept her distance. Or maybe she had already hurt him by doing all of this.

From the look on his face she had hurt him deeply.

Her shadows brushed around her in attempt to ease her thoughts, but they only made it worse.

With a sigh, Valery stood from her bed. She still needed to wrap some of the presents for the Inner Circle.

Her shadows left her alone as she got dressed and made her way down the stairs to find Rhys.

He isn't home, a shadow whispered in her ear.

Valery sighed. "Is there anyone home at all?" she asked them.

The High Lady and her son, they answered.

"Thanks." Valery muttered.

She hadn't really talked to Rhys after he brought her home last night. They both knew that leaving her alone was what worked best, but she had definitely seen the disappointment in his face when she asked him to leave her.

The feeling of wanting to avoid him grew stronger every day, even though she loved him so much.

But it wasn't only him she wanted to avoid. It was the same with everyone.

Today she would push all those feeling away and enjoy herself. Something she hadn't done in a long time.

"Good morning." Feyre said from behind her, Nyx on her hip.

A shadow immediately left Valery's side, flying over to Nyx. The little boy laughed and started playing with it.

Valery couldn't stop the small smile from appearing on her face.

She turned her attention back on her High Lady. "Happy birthday." Valery said as she went in for a hug.

Feyre hugged her back tightly. "Thank you." she said excitedly.

"I have a present for you, but I'll be giving it tonight." Valery told her with a wink.

Excitement lined Feyre's face. "I can't wait." she exclaimed.

"Where's Rhys? Shouldn't he be with you on this day?" Valery questioned. Her shadows had only told her that he wasn't home.

"Oh, he never told you?" Feyre said. Valery shook her head, having no idea what she was talking about.

Feyre then laughed. "He's having his annual snowball fight with Cass and Azriel."

Valery's eyes widened as she gawked at Feyre. "They what?"

"That was my reaction as well when I first got told." Feyre said with a snort. "They won't be back for another few hours, so you will have to deal with me in the mean time." Feyre said with a small smile on her face.

"That's fine by me, but I want details on the snowball fight." Valery grinned.

It was now nearly four in the afternoon, and the three Illyrians still hadn't returned.

Valery had been enjoying herself without Rhys though. After eating breakfast with Feyre, Mor came barging through the door with wine.

She had taken the task to look after Nyx upon herself. Feyre felt guilty at first, but after Valery told her she needed to enjoy herself on her birthday the High Lady gave in.

It wasn't much later when Nesta came strolling through the door. The Fae woman had thrown one glance at her sister and Mor and had known enough, sitting down next to Valery on the couch.

They were the only ones who didn't drink, so it was like looking after two little babies.

It was actually very nice. Valery never really had any female friends, so this was a new experience for her. She hadn't laughed so much in a very long time.

The only females close to her had been her mother and Lala. The two who raised her.

The front door of the River House burst open. They didn't have to look to know that Rhys, Cass and Azriel had returned from their so called snowball fight.

Valery couldn't really picture the three strong and tough Illyrians throwing snowballs at each other, but only the thought of it was enough to make her laugh.

"Guess who won again!" Cassian shouted as he walking into the living room, followed by a grumpy looking Rhys and Azriel.

Even though there was definitely annoyance in their faces, they both carried grins with them.

She was happy that everyone was so occupied with congratulating Cassian and listening to him and Rhys argue about how it hadn't been fair play as one of her shadows slipped away, moving over to Azriel.

Valery tried to call it back, but it refused. Only when the shadow had checked every inch of his body did it return. As if it had been looking if he was okay.

Azriel had definitely noticed it too, since his eyes were fixed on her. Even if she wanted to, she couldn't get her own eyes off him. Something was pulling her towards him.

Valery felt a tinge of regret for pushing him away, but she was too stubborn to admit it out loud.

Her attention was snapped back when Rhys called her name. The High Lord looked between Azriel and Valery with suspicion.

Valery made her way towards him, greeting him with a smile. "You never told me about the snowball fight." she said with a grin.

Rhys chuckled. "Because I knew you would tease the shit out of me."

Valery laughed. "I really am going to do that now that I know." she stopped laughing after a few seconds. "I'm sorry." she spoke.

Rhys's face turned tight again. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

Valery shook her head. "I haven't been fair to you. I've been pushing you away. You have been so kind to me, letting me live in your home, taking care of me. And in return I've been ignoring you." she started. "You're my best friend and I love you and I hope I can make it right."

A smile appeared on Rhys's face. "It's okay. It really is. And you're my best friend too and I love you. We both had a hard time, I know how it feels." his voice was thick with emotion. "Now come here." he opened his arms for her, bringing her into tight embrace.

Valery sighed in relief at the feeling of a good hug.

There was still a feeling of guilt as she remembered what she was going to do behind his back.

Valery shook the thoughts away. She was going to enjoy this evening, forgetting every negative thought.