this time i'll get better

chapter 19: wanted

remember, you wanted this.

you wanted this loneliness.

you wanted solitude.

but I also wanted love.

you can't have loneliness and love at the same time.

even so, no one could ever love you.

because you don't even know what love is.

what you've thought you had done,

isn't love.

it was compulsive behavior.

it was your issues springing into action to keep them in your life.

if it was love,

you wouldn't be in this situation.

if you were in love,

she would've still be here.

if you ever even loved,

you didn't have to leave anyone behind.

if you just did loved yourself,

those lines on your wrists wouldn't even exist.

so no, you had never loved.

you had been loved by,

but what you wanted,

what you craved,

what you desired,

is solitude.

you wanted love?

what a joke.

you don't even love yourself,

so how are you this confident you could ever love someone else?

and now your nights are accompanied with loud noises and flashing lights,

so how does solitude treat you?

is it better than having her?

does the night brings you peace?

or did she?

is your bed warm?

or do you miss her warm embrace?

does the day goes by and the night feels longer?

now that you have got what you wanted, tell me,

was all this,

every single thing,

the pain,

the heartache,

the headaches,

the losing sleep,

the sense of self destructing,

was this everything that you wanted?