this time i'll get better

chapter 42: bad

I wanted you so bad. My body aches for you. Ever since we went out on our separate ways, I think life hasn't been that fair for me. I haven't been able to properly sleep, I couldn't do many mundane things. I can't argue with that since I wasn't that much of a good partner so I guess this is my punishment. Even still, it's not like I was evil.

I want you so bad that I cry a lot. To the point my pupils get red and my eyes are swollen. At times, it was because of we broke up, and most of the times it was just this overbearing sadness hovering over me. I couldn't really tell why but I just succumbed to it.

I want you so bad that I severe ties to a lot of people that could bring you back in my mind. Our friends, I had to. Because if I didn't, they'll ask why we separated. And I have to tell them how. And it hurts me. It kills me inside because I still love you.

I want you so bad that I didn't realize that wanting you back into my life is bad. Because loving isn't supposed to hurt this much. Because loving is supposed to be calming. You're supposed to feel love. But all I am receiving right now is aches. And that's wrong. Wanting you is wrong.

I want you so bad that I don't want you back. I wanted the ghost of you. I wanted your sweet smile and your warm embrace. I wanted the times, the innocent, genuine times we had. I wanted the purity of us. I wanted us without the mistakes and the pain. I wanted the old you. And you would want that too.

And perhaps, if both of us wanted that same love back, maybe if we wanted to be together as bad as we crave for, we could become better than we were before. Just maybe, wanting each other as bad, isn't so bad?