this time i'll get better

chapter 48: burner

So what's a "burner"?

A burner, is a cheap, disgusting, manipulative, vile person with no commitment whatsoever but invests in things that they know they won't or couldn't commit. They come with a set of reassuring qualities and high value personality that convinces their victims to think that they somehow are the greenest flag of all. And likewise how a burner phone is used, disposed after usage.

And yes, these people exist. And yes, I used to be one of them. Some are accidental and some are just straight up intentional.

I'll admit, what I've done is nothing short of being manipulative and wrong. I entered their lives and making them think that I am "the one". I guess, my facade is that good to mask what was bound to happen. But with all that has happened, I apologize. I'm not that dick of a person to just get up and leave, I have standards. It's just perhaps, I will never get any forgiveness from them.

So what I usually do is that I will create multiple accounts for each applications like Instagram or TikTok. I'll invest some of my personality or my niche into it to make it convincing to my burner victims and lead them to think that "wow, he is really this seclusive." or "oh, there are still people like him."

Once that happens, well I can pretty much know what that person is and how they think of me. I tend to hope that things wouldn't proceed for the better so that I can peacefully move on from their lives without inflicting pain. But those that had caught in between my pretty white lies, well let's just say that I presented them with a pretty darn good of an acting.

I detailed my social media accounts with rather convincing evidence that I am an introvert with zero social skills and interactions. I have that one friend who doesn't know what my plan was to follow these accounts to even solidify the act that I have a really small circle. Presented with how smart I really am, how I take care of my cats and self, really made the whole "burner" personality a success.

I noticed a pattern whenever I became the "burner". Those who were a fond of me, somehow are interested with people like me? Having a number of friends with the finger you can count, having a pet, having a really range of communication skills, no social media presence and the lists of data goes on.

I feed them with things that interests them. I post things to unconsciously make them see me as a good person. I staged dates and surprise them with their favorite things. And when I felt that I'm done, I've had my boost of serotonin, I either come up with a petty excuse or just ghost them.

Yes, a dick move. But it's either that or having them to continue this experiment. I do not extort or even expect something in return. I just enjoyed the time being together. The adrenaline to be a person I could be. A person who can love. And instead I had to act to be one. Knowing deep down, I could never love or be loved.

I'm just another burner.