this time i'll get better

chapter 23: the answer

2422 days. That was how long since I've last met her. 8 years, 8 dreadful, oblivious, vague years that I lived wondering if she ever was worth the wait. 8 years had I waited for her, had I worked so hard just to be able to meet her eye to eye. Just so she knows that now, I have changed into a better man. I got a stable job, I got a house, I have all the money in the world just to give her a sense of security that I can manage myself and her.

"Just because you've changed for the better, doesn't mean you're the one for me. Remember Alex, I loved you purely because you taught me what love really was. I didn't need your money or status for me to love you. I loved you for who you are and what you meant to me. When you said my family was rich and you came from a family that is broken, I loved you even more because you worried that you couldn't have gave me what you thought I wanted. What I needed back then was your time and your love. But you were too focused on how to win me over by money. I could've gotten what I wanted in an instant, don't get me wrong, I appreciated your valiant efforts to give me things, but I wanted, needed you to love me like you did back then. When money wasn't a thing, when making sure both of our longings was met, when loving you was easy as the alphabets, when you loved me felt more home than my own family. Now you are better, I see that. But I don't love you anymore. I couldn't love you. I am too far scared to fall in love with you to feel alone again. I don't need another person who is tied with me legally but absent in my life. You coming back into my life is a blessing but I do not want to feel that loneliness anymore, Alex. I had enough of it. 8 years you tried to make it up to me, I spent 8 years trying to forget you just to let you come back in my life again. And I know it kills you deep inside if you couldn't meet up to how my parents raised me, and it is obvious that you can now take good care of me with your status, but I choose peace over uncertain love. I choose myself and so should you. Choose yourself, Alex."

What am I supposed to say? This is it. I always did said that she deserves better. And I should have some self respect. It wouldn't kill me if I don't end up with her. Even when I am better just not for her. Perhaps if I had just done something a bit earlier. But now, I had finally found the answer to my question.

Would she want me back?