this time i'll get better

chapter 49: scared

"Just so you know Luth, I fell for the boy I met during high school. I fell for his innocence and his efforts in making sure that he's changing for the better."

"Liv, I-"

"I'm not finished. Do you know how much it hurts me seeing you change into this person I don't even recognize? God, how could you be this cruel? What wasn't enough? What was it?"

We both sat in silence. I could see glimmers of tear running down her cheek.

"I know you're hurting. I know. I can see that. But you got hurt by things that you don't tell me. And you hurt me from it. You give me the cold shoulder, the long stares in the distance, the hiatus from every where that I can reach you. Try switching places with me and tell me how long would it take you to decide whether or not you want this relationship, Luth. I waited, for two years. Two miserable years, and you're off happily in your life. Leaving me like I'm just a rag doll that you only play when you're alone."

My throat tightens. I did this. Is this it?

"Yeah you were silent from posting it all on social media, yeah you didn't said anything to me on whatever it is going on in your life. I wouldn't know if you had been with other girls or if you're really living the quiet life you thought you were having. But did you forget how that 'quiet' life you sought to have was with me? Did you forget how you told me that it was us against the world? Did you? Were those just empty promises to keep me latched to you?"

"Liv, I can explain-"

"I'm not done!", she cries.

Her eyes are red, tears are overflowing, she's trembling.

And I'm just there.

Staring at her.

I'm scared to do anything.

I'm scared.

"I really believed that you would change before I went for New York. I thought that things would be better for us. So what was it? Is there another woman? Is there?"

"I don't know, Liv. When you went for New York, I didn't know what to do. I spiraled down thinking I wasn't good enough for you."

"Don't give me that. All our lives, not once had I said or asked for material things. I wanted you, Luth. Your presence. Like we used to. How you would always come up with something to make sure that distance wouldn't be a factor. Just because my family is rich, doesn't mean I wanted those fancy things. I wanted what was deprived from me, Luth. Affection. When you came into my life, I felt safe. I never did opened up with anyone ever in my life but you. All my tears and rants, you know. All my problems and feelings, you understood. But why is it, after years of knowing each other, you suddenly switched up? I'm sorry for being this brutal on you but I want to know the answer."

"Liv, I'm lost without you. When you left, I'm aimless. You're my goal and when you're not here, I get lost in my head. And I know now that, what I did was wrong. I apologize for it. I didn't opened up because I know you would worry even more so my mind went into autopilot. I worked so much just so I can get back to you. Just so I can see you again in my arms, Liv."

I break down.

"And you didn't cared to know how I was doing? And you didn't even wanted to send me a text? And you just left our last conversation died without a closure?"

"Not a single day went by where I didn't wanted to send you a text, call you or even meet you myself. But I'm scared. I was scared of a lot of things. My studies, work. You have every right to blame and say how much of a disease I am. But I didn't shared one bit of my life because I didn't want you to be involved. You don't have to burden my problems."

"And what does that make me? Am I not the one you love?"

"You are! You still are. And you will always be. But I'm scared, Liv. I'm scared that once I let you into this mess of a life that I'm in, you would run the other way. You would want a simpler, easier life. A life that you deserve minus the pain."

"Luth, I loved you for who you are. I don't care if you losing your mind. You should've told me. At least you don't have to think that you're some mistake."

"Liv,-"

"I think this is enough. I don't hold anything against you anymore. I'm content with the person that you've become. My love for you was a gift from God and I don't hate you for it. I loved that boy and I'm pretty sure, the boy I met back in high school would be scared of you if he sees you now."