Jealousy

fOreVER

Sleep had been far and few over the past few weeks, I was finding it harder by the day to keep up my pretence of normalcy after being called Lessi by Kyra. The slip ups seemed to become a lot more frequent, yet Kyra continued to act like nothing had happened. The truth is, it's eating away at me.  This morning was no different to my new normal, I left my bed around 3am and took myself to the sofa to sleep, the sofa as uncomfortable as ever didn't offer me any reprieve. So no sleep and a morning at training... this is going to be interesting. I'm exhausted.

I head upstairs and get dressed, Kyra is starfishing in bed when I go in. At least one of us is getting some sleep, I'm quiet with my movements. Once ready I head towards the stairs and made my way downstairs for something to eat. I decide to make toast, eating it while pondering my thoughts with a coffee. It's not much longer before Kyra enters the kitchen, well rested and with an enthusiastic mood. "Good morning babe." Kyra leans in for a kiss, I turn my face away. "Morning breath." I quickly say. "Ugh... I just want a kiss... one little kiss." Kyra pouts playfully. I give her a gentle smile. "Where were you anyway? I woke up alone." Kyra frowns. "Ah you know...terrible night. I don't want to wake you." I partially lied.  I had had a rough night, I left her because she was the reason my head wouldn't allow me to sleep. "You should get ready. We need to leave soon." I say after a few silent moments, Kyra's face was in her phone. "Yeah I will." She mumbled as her fingers typed ferociously on her screen. I bet that means she's texting Lessi good morning...I'm almost certain of it.

The car journey to London Colney was as normal, I didn't want people to know Kyra and I were having problems, especially not Beth and Viv. Though I'm sure it's easy to tell, regardless. We chatter as normal and laugh along to Beth's foolishness, it almost felt like everything was completely as it should be. When we arrived we split off and went to talk with our friends and teammates, again it looked normal. I was thankful for it, I stifle a yawn as I put my bag by my cubby, blinking a couple of times to fight away my tiredness. I noticed Kyra and Lessi messing about both laughing and smiling, my heart felt like someone had just put a knife through it. "Come on everyone let's go." Kim said breaking me out of my moment, we all make our way out of the changing room and out onto the pitch. We all do our run around the pitch as we always do, today Leah decided she was talkative and talked my ear off about god knows what- I wasn't listening. She talked and talked, totally not even realising that I was taking none of what she was saying in.

Paired up warm ups are a complete blur, I make it through by the skin of my teeth. "Burns, what's up?" Katie asked, though I didn't hear her. I caught Lessi and Kyra being all close and giggly, the feeling came back again. Only this time paired with a sick feeling in my tummy. "Burns, stop ogling her. You can literally go to her on break." Katie says sternly. "Huh?" I say with confusion having only heard bits of what she had said. "What's wrong with you?" Katie questioned stopping our warm up and resting her hand on my shoulder.

"Nothing...Nothing is wrong, I'm fine." I say with false confidence. "Don't lie to me." Katie sighs, her hand meets mine. I pull away. "We need to train." I tell her, Katie frowns. She's not blind, she can clearly see through my act. Katie doesn't push anymore, we continue on with paired warm ups and games. None of us speak, it's just like we're back at the start of being paired only this time my problem didn't include Katie. I would catch Katie staring at me every so often, it was almost like she was trying to read me, trying to work out what was wrong with me. I try hard to get on with training, I was way too distracted and it showed.

We were done with paired warm ups and games, now it was time for Rondos and bib vs bib games. I try so hard to keep focus, I was starting to get a headache, my moves slowly became sloppy and disjointed "come on Lili, focus." Leah shouts over to me. "Yeah, sorry." I replied, the panic building inside me.