The Umbrella Academy Preferences

Things He Would Text You (New Timeline)

Diego:
• babe listen, do not get mad at me but the trash can is no longer existent...it was a um...tragic accident.
• why the fuck is toilet paper so expensive.
• can you come home from work and get YOUR dog???! he ate my chanclas AGAIN.
• y/n i might be dying. i literally might be dying. ANSWER ME IM DYING. hi this is diego's boss, he's not dead, he ate some expired cottage cheese from the employee fridge.
• i have to pee so bad right now.
• can you make lasagna for dinner? i got yelled at today 😭
• how mad would you be if the microwave hypothetically severely malfunctioned and is now smoking and you cant see in the kitchen?
• how do i file my taxes again?
• so i forgot to not mix whites with reds and now we have a lot of pink clothes.
• i did the dishes and didn't break anything. how sexy is that 😮‍💨
• claire wants a sleepover and we decided axe throwing be fun so...how good did you say our insurance was?
• i should start cooking in nothing but my apron 😏
• we have a family of possum living under the deck and luther's under there trying to get them out
• so we have a pet possum now cause mama bit him and that shit was FUNNY
• i found a big gnome at a garage sale and now he's living next to the porch🧌
• babe do i really look like a pedophile with the mustache? be honest.

Luther:
• i'm sorry! it's not my fault the possum bit me! she was trespassing 😭
• what does rizz mean?
• COME QUICK I FOUND ANOTHER ALLEY KITTEN
• it's plant watering day so if you need to shower do it now
• you watched the eras tour without me?! HOW DARE YOU.
• honeyyyyyy can you please call the electric company? i don't know what im supposed to say 😓
• so i counted and we have 20 alley cats. that's not too bad right?
• we don't need a plumber! i watch the shows i can fix this 😎
• so we need a whole new kitchen sink.
• ben's crashing on the couch tonight so we're gonna need the jumbo thing of cheese puffs and that gross red wine he drinks
• you left without kissing me goodbye 😠
• send me pictures of what we need from the store. i don't remember what you said
• i'm babysitting grace and do you have any idea how she found out i was stripping? she called it the grown up pole thing and now we're sitting in awkward silence
• i watched if i stay and now we're out of the little debbie snack cakes you just bought
• you know that fancy pancake flip thing klaus is really good at? don't be mad but i tried it and now there's a lot of pancakes on the ceiling.

Five:
• grace glued hello kitty stickers to my travel coffee cup 😐 no im not scraping them off..im not a monster.
• i'm gonna grow a beard if i keep getting asked if im lost in the grocery store by the employees.
• are you wearing my suite jacket? i can't find it
• i had a hard day. wine and movie night?
• claire keeps sending me tik toks and i dont know what's supposed to be so funny
• love did you bring home another cat? i don't remember having an additional cat in our bed when i left
• can you bring me some coffee and a muffin? i'm bored and i wanna see you 🥲
• 👍
• tell him no. for the love of god, if diego calls, tell him YOU said no.
• for the last time, no i had nothing to do with claire's horrible ex disappearing!
• i'm at the store. need anything?
• you know things with the kids these days, what the fuck is a himbo?
• i'm making breakfast, either get up or i'm sending in reinforcements. the cat is ready to go
• fine dont talk to me. the next time you need me to pretend to be the er doctor when you wanna call off work get klaus to do it 🙄
• a cat followed me home so now we have another cat

Ben:
• i have so much to tell you about what one of my coworkers at work told me
• i warned you when we first went out that i cant fry things for shit. your fault for letting me near the stove 😤
• have you seen the dog? i don't like that he's so quiet
• i went for a run today and i swear this old woman tried to kidnap me.
• taxes? like those things dad used to pay? WE HAVE TO DO THOSE!?!?!
• i want to go back to prison.
• i just finished watching the twins and we are never having kids. 😵‍💫
• date night idea, i lay on your chest and you tell me i'm pretty. bam! date night solved 😎
• i'm cold. come back.
• sweetie text me what you what for lunch. i hate my coworkers and wanna leave
• klaus called me and said he found my bag. DO NOT OPEN IT IF HE BRINGS IT.
• i should pierce my lip. wouldn't that look really cool?
• im clearly chandler from friends right? i'm not ross, right? IM NOT ROSS RIGHT!?
• you're wayyyy hotter than jennifer aniston, trust me 😮‍💨
• i'm feeling waffles. wanna make waffles?
• you do the bills, you know i hate talking to people on the phone!

Klaus:
• we need more paper towels. you can't clean up dish soap with water and paper towels, just an fyi
• hurry up and get home so we can watch wendy williams
• can you pick up more cucumbers on the way home? i ran out and i still have ranch left 🥺
• claire's spending the night cause i said so, not that you mind
• can you get more of those cute little face mask things?
• ALLISON JUST TOLD ME SOMETHING JUICEY CALL ASAP 😳
• we need a turtle or something
• i decided im opening a yoga studio in the front yard to piss off the old lady next door
• make sure you get all the details of the breakup cause i wanna know too 😁
• we're sooooo talking shit about this event later right?
• i took grace back to school shopping and i caved and bought her all princess dresses
• you look cute when you cook 😍
• i sent you tik toks and you havent watched them. you hate me dont you?
• i think luther's alley cats hate me. i'm stuck on the dumpster and they look like they wanna kill me
• i forgot im lactose intolerant and the ice cream is gone and now im sick 🥲🥲

Viktor:
• what does channing tatum have that i dont? and dont you dare say height 😠
• luther called me to remind me to take medicine i havent taken in years and i dont have the heart to tell him
• we need more carrots for the deer outside while you're out
• i made you dinner cause i saw this thing on tik tok and it looked cool so if you dont like it i might cry 😓
• i've had so much caffiene today and now im stomach hurts
• can you go outside and pretend you hurt yourself so i have an excuse to leave work?
• i do have my big boy pants on! i ordered my own subway today 😒
• i will end my SHIT if the ice cream machine is down again 😤
• check out this meme i found
• do i look like lord farquad with short hair? be honest
• yes i would still love you if you were a worm 😘
• i needed you to cuddle me like yesterday.
• darling i love you but no im not killing the spider. he's good for the environment
• i found this cool rock for you when i was out walking today
• i think we should just get a bunch of chickens for their eggs cause im done paying for them in this economy.