Golden Stars / Scarlett Johansson

Chapter 52: Lost and Found

Y/N sat in the clearing, the cold earth beneath her grounding her in a way nothing else could. She stared up at the night sky, the stars twinkling like tiny beacons of hope, but they felt unreachable. Everything felt so far away—Scarlett, Calie, even Cebrus, her loyal companion. Her whole life felt distant, like she was floating on the outskirts of everything important, watching but never truly belonging.

For a while, she didn't say anything, just let the night surround her in silence. But the words were bubbling inside her, words she hadn't spoken aloud in a long time. She looked down at the ground, her hands fidgeting in the grass, and finally, she whispered, "I don't belong in their world."

The confession hung in the air, heavy and true.

"Scarlett... she's amazing," Y/N began, her voice trembling as she spoke her girlfriend's name. "She's everything. Beautiful, talented, kind... and then there's Rose. God, Rose is perfect. She's so full of life and joy, like the world hasn't touched her yet. And Chris... he's been nothing but nice to me. Always trying to make me feel comfortable, always being this friendly, welcoming guy."

Y/N wiped at her eyes, her throat tightening as she continued. "And Calie... my best friend. She's been there for me through everything, even when I didn't deserve it. She always finds a way to make me laugh, even when I don't want to."

Her breath hitched, and the tears that had been threatening to fall for so long finally broke free. "But I don't fit with them. I don't belong in their world. They're... good. And I'm just... me."

Y/N shook her head, her hands balling into fists. "I shouldn't even be here. It should have been me who died that night, not Mom. She deserved to live. She would still be with Dad. He wouldn't have been so broken. They could have had another child, a child who wasn't... me."

Her voice cracked, and the weight of her words hit her like a punch to the gut. "I should have died. I should have died that night."

The tears came faster now, falling freely down her cheeks. Y/N's body trembled as she sobbed, the pain she had been holding in for so long finally spilling out. "Dad... he gave his life for me. He gave me his heart so I could live. But I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to be here."

She buried her face in her hands, the grief overwhelming her. "I don't even want to be here," she admitted, her voice muffled by her hands. "But I have to be. I have to live because Dad... Dad gave up everything for me. He gave me his heart, and I... I can't waste it."

Y/N's chest heaved as she cried, her sobs wracking her body. "I want them to be here. I want them back. I want to feel like I'm not a mistake, like I belong somewhere. But I don't. I don't belong anywhere."

She looked up at the sky again, her vision blurry with tears. "Why did you leave me?" she whispered, her voice barely audible. "Why did you have to go?"

Her mother and father had always been her safe place. But they are gone now too, and Y/N was left in a world that felt too big, too overwhelming, without them.

"I miss you both so much," she said, her voice trembling. "I don't know how to do this without you. I don't know how to... how to live this life. It's so hard, and I'm so tired."

Y/N hugged her knees to her chest, rocking back and forth slightly as the tears continued to fall. "I wish you were here. I wish I could talk to you, ask you what I'm supposed to do. You always knew what to say, always knew how to make me feel better."

Her heart ached with the loss, the loneliness, the overwhelming feeling of not being enough. "I feel like I'm always letting everyone down. Scarlett, Calie, Chris... even Cebrus. I'm just... not enough."

The weight of it all bore down on her, and Y/N let out a shuddering breath. "I don't know why I'm here. I don't know why I'm alive and you're not. I wish it had been me."

The silence of the night ressed in around her, as if the world were waiting for her to continue, waiting for her to let everything out.

"I've been carrying this guilt for so long," Y/N whispered, her voice cracking. "Ever since that night, I've felt like I don't deserve to live. And now... now I'm here, trying to make sense of it all, and I just... I can't."

She wiped at her face, the tears still coming but slower now. "I know I should be grateful. I know I should be living the life Dad wanted for me. But it's so hard. It's so hard to wake up every day and pretend like everything's okay when it's not."

Her voice broke again, and she hugged her knees tighter. "I want to be okay. I want to be happy. I want to... to love Scarlett the way she deserves to be loved. But I'm so scared. I'm scared that I'm going to ruin everything, that I'm going to lose her too."

Y/N's heart clenched at the thought. "I don't want to lose her," she whispered. "I don't want to lose any of them. But I don't know how to be enough for them."

She took a deep breath, trying to steady herself. "I'm trying. I really am. But I don't know how much longer I can keep going like this."

The night air was cold against her skin, but she didn't move. She didn't want to leave. She didn't want to go back to the party, back to a world where she felt so out of place.

"I just want you back," Y/N said softly. "I want you to tell me that it's going to be okay. I want you to hold me and tell me that I'm not a mistake, that I'm not... worthless."

Her voice wavered, and she closed her eyes, letting the tears fall again. "I need you. I need you both so much."

For a long time, Y/N sat there, the silence of the night her only companion. She didn't know how long she stayed, how long she let the grief wash over her. All she knew was that she didn't want to leave. Not yet.

Finally, after what felt like hours, Y/N wiped at her eyes and took a deep breath. "I don't know what's going to happen," she said quietly, her voice still shaky. "But I'll try. I'll try to live the life you wanted for me. I'll try to be enough for Scarlett, for Calie, for everyone."

She looked up at the sky one last time, her heart aching with the weight of everything she'd been carrying. "I miss you. I love you. And I hope... I hope you're proud of me."

With that, Y/N slowly stood, her legs shaky as she brushed the dirt from her pants. She didn't feel better—how could she? But the weight on her chest felt a little lighter, and that was enough for now.

She turned and walked back toward her bike, her heart still heavy but just a little more at peace.