Of Thunders, Cigarettes, and Heartbreaks (Sweater Weather Series #1)

Chapter 44

sagada — cup of joe

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I've always wanted to go to a place where I could feel at ease... away from all the people who tried to control me. Somewhere I could finally breathe, where I wouldn't have to be anyone but myself.

Sa ilang taon kong paghahanap, natagpuan ko 'yon. Sa bisig niya—kung saan pwede akong maging malaya nang walang kapalit na kahit na anong sakit, kung saan pwede kong bitawan ang lahat... at sa kanya kumapit.

I still couldn't understand everything, but I knew this was all we needed. He wasn't ready to let go of all the things pressing down on him, all the fears and doubts that kept him chained. And so, he had to let me go.

It hurt, knowing he couldn't choose us over his burdens, but a part of me understood.

He had his own battles to fight, and I couldn't be the one to win them for him.

Kung ako na lang ang natitira sa kanya na pwede niyang bitawan, maiintindihan ko. Wala na akong ibang hinihiling sa Diyos kundi pagaanin ang kung ano mang pinagdadaanan niya na hindi niya masabi sa akin. I knew God would heal him... from all the things he couldn't speak about, from the scars buried too deep for words to reach.

Sanjo meant everything to me, and I remember telling myself that I would surrender the world for his happiness. Hindi ko naman alam na... sariling pagmamahal ko pala ang kailangan kong isuko para sa kanya. Still, even if I had to break myself, I would... surrender everything for him.

"Ayos na kaya lahat ng dala ko?" I asked I settled in my seat. Kotse ko ang balak naming dalhin doon.

"Kung kulang, pwede namang doon na lang tayo maglaba," biro niya.

I stared at him for a few seconds, suddenly taken aback by his joke. This was the same Sanjo I fell in love with... the one who could make everything feel better just by cracking a joke.

Nang mapansin niyang natigilan ako, unti-unti ring napawi ang ngiti niya. Agad akong nag-iwas ng tingin. Ikinabit ko na lang ang seatbelt upang magpanggap na may ginagawa.

"Hindi ko... alam kung anong pwedeng gawin doon," I said just to break the awkward silence.

"Naplano ko na. Ako na ang bahala sa lahat," sagot niya.

I felt my heart ache even more in my chest when I heard the same words he would always say whenever I would ask about his plans. Pero kasabay din noon ay ang pamilyar na pakiramdam na tila ba yumayakap sa akin, nagpapaalala kung paano kami dati.

Humawak ako sa kamay niya nang paandarin na niya ang sasakyan. Isinandal ko ang pisngi sa braso niya habang nagmamaneho, at gaya ng dati, hinayaan niya lang akong gawin 'yon.

Bago kami umalis, nasabi kong... kung pwede ay bumalik kami sa dati. Kahit sa loob lang ng tatlong araw, iparamdam niya ulit sa akin ang Sanjo na minahal ko. Alam kong sinasaktan ko lang ang sarili ko, ngunit ito lang ang nakikita kong paraan upang tumatak sa puso't isip ko kung anong meron kami dati.

I asked him to do this so I wouldn't be able to forget the feeling of being with him. Taon man ang lumipas, alam kong paulit-ulit kong maaalala ang bagay na 'to. Dahil buong buhay ko, siya lang naman ang minahal ko nang ganito.

I knew I wouldn't be able to move forward, so I'd let myself be stuck in this love forever... even if it meant living with the absence of him.