Of Thunders, Cigarettes, and Heartbreaks (Sweater Weather Series #1)

Chapter 29

play nangangamba by zack tabudlo :)

𐙚𐙚𐙚

The party lasted until 12 AM. Hindi na ako bumalik sa loob matapos marinig ang usapan na 'yon. I couldn't bring myself to face my family and the other guests inside. The conversation lingered in my mind, leaving me uncomfortable all night.

It felt more like a business meeting than a birthday. Parang nandoon lang silang lahat upang magkaroon ng koneksyon sa ibang tao.

Tinawagan ko na si Kuya pagkatapos kong magpalit ng damit sa kwarto ko. Naghabilin na lang ako kay Ate Vivien na sabihin kila Mama na mauuna na akong umuwi. Magpapaalam pa sana ako kay Clementine ngunit ayoko na bumalik sa loob.

Dahil sa lahat ng narinig ko mula kay Papa, mas lalo kong naramdaman na hindi ako kabilang sa pamilya. They hate people like... me.

I pictured the look of disappointment on Papa's face, the way his jaw would tighten and his eyes would harden with disbelief. I could already hear the words he might say—sharp, cutting, meant to wound. He'd probably say it was just a phase, something I'd eventually grow out of. But it's not. It's who I am, and that's the part I'm most terrified of.

What would Mama say? Would she try to calm him down, or would she just stand there, silent, as if I'd already become a stranger to her? Kasi lagi namang ganoon. Pagdating sa amin, palagi siyang nananahimik—takot na banggain ang galit ni Papa.

The thought of them turning their backs on me made my chest tighten, suffocating any hope I had left of ever being accepted.

Takot akong mawalan. Takot akong matalikuran. I was a people-pleaser, and I know it wasn't healthy to be that way. But when you grow up in a household where you have to be the best all the time, your lungs crave validation as if it were oxygen needed to live.

Ala una na kami nakaalis ni Kuya. May dala kaming sari-sariling sasakyan kaya dumireto na siya sa La Union. I drove back to Katipunan and arrived at my condo unit around 3 AM. Mabilis lang ang byahe lalo na't walang traffic. Mabuti na lang din at nakapag-impake na ako para sa pagpunta namin sa Pangasinan mamaya.

6 AM pa ang napagkasunduan naming meet up, at gaya ng nakasanayan kapag may mga ganitong lakad, si Koen ang sumusundo sa amin. I planned to take a nap for at least two hours since I hadn't slept since last night, but my mind was too occupied with so many things that I couldn't even close my eyes.

Sa huli, bangag akong naghintay hanggang mag ala sais. Idinaan ko na lang sa concealer ang eyebags ko at sa byahe na lang natulog upang kahit papaano ay matabunan ng ingay nila ang mga iniisip ko.

Noong magising ako, pasado alas nueve na at gising na rin ang karamihan. Si Cali ang nasa passenger seat ng van, ngunit panay pa rin ang lingon sa amin sa tuwing makikisingit sa usapan. Haru was sitting beside me, holding a book and wearing his headphones.

Girls ang pinaka-energetic buong byahe. They blasted Taylor Swift's songs in the car and sang along. Napapasabay na lang tuloy ako kahit kinakabahan na para mamaya dahil ang balita ko ay kasama nga ang circle ni Sanjo.

"I accidentally found Ives' TikTok account. Gago, famous pala talaga? Akala ko sa school lang natin," pagkukwento ni Era, ipinakita pa sa cellphone niya ang account profile ni Ives.

And she was really right. He was freaking popular. Mayroon siyang isang milyon na followers at puro dance trends ang ginagawa. But unlike most of the professional dancers on that app, iyong kanya ay halatang for fun lang at parang aksidente lang nakita sa FYP niya iyong sayaw. Hindi nga halatang dancer dahil parang nilalaro lang ang sayaw.

"Puro pala TikTok nilang magto-tropa 'to. Kulang na lang maging group account na eh," komento ni Ria na ini-stalk na rin ang account sa phone niya. "May solo TikTok pa si Hayes oh, akala mo kanyang account."