Of Thunders, Cigarettes, and Heartbreaks (Sweater Weather Series #1)

Chapter 47

Trigger Warning: Homophobic remarks.

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nobela — join the club

Hurt

I tried my best to forget him.

During the remaining days of our summer vacation, I focused on forgetting everything and moving forward.

I memorized everything about him without even realizing it, and now I'm trying not to remember any of it. Pinilit kong humakbang upang makausad dahil wala naman akong ibang pagpipilian. Kahit humakbang ako paatras, alam kong wala na rin naman akong babalikan.

It was hard—harder than I thought it would be. It felt as if he had imprinted on everything around me, making escape seem impossible.

I told myself that time would heal it, that one day I'd wake up and his presence in my mind would be nothing more than a faint whisper. Every second felt like a battle, and I was barely winning. But somehow, I think... I managed to do it.

I still think about him sometimes, but it's different now—softer, quieter, like a melody fading into the background. I don't know if forgetting is the same as moving on, but I think I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, I'm finding myself again.

Akala ko ikakamatay ko kung wala siya. Akala ko... sa kanya na iikot ang mundo ko habang-buhay. Ngunit sa huli, kaya ko naman pala. Kinakaya ko.

Still, I don't regret losing everything for him. I don't regret giving up a big part of my life for us. If Sanjo left anything lasting in my life, it's how he made me experience genuine love and taught me how to stand up for myself.

Hindi ko na hahayaang tapakan ako ng ibang tao. Hindi ko na hahayaang kontrolin nila ang buhay ko para sa kasiyahan nila. I've already walked out of the room that only made me feel disrespected. I will never, ever tolerate that again.

"Ganda ng bagong feed mo sa Instagram ah. Naging beach boy ka na yata talaga r'yan sa La Union," puri ni Clementine nang tumawag siya sa akin noong bandang katapusan ng July. She's the only family member I have a connection with, aside from Kuya Kieran.

Humugot ako ng malalim na buntong hininga. "Hindi pa rin marunong mag-surf."

I really tried my best to learn it. Kaso hindi yata talaga para sa akin ang surfing kaya minabuti kong manatili na lang sa lupa. Bukod sa hindi ako marunong lumangoy, parang magkakasakit pa yata ako sa bato sa dami ng naiinom kong tubig-alat.

"What about Kieran? Nakita mo na ba ang ka-live in niya?" kuryosong tanong niya.

Umirap ako sa hangin. "Hindi pa rin. Hindi naman pala sila. Delulu lang si Kuya, feeling niya naman papatulan siya."

I heard Clementine laugh. "Siraulo talaga 'yan! Pinagkalat niya pa! Kung i-tattoo na lang kaya niya sa noo niya 'yang mga opinyon niya!"

Hindi ko na rin maiwasang matawa. Isa si Clementine sa mga napagku-kwentuhan ko ng mga nangyayari sa akin dito sa La Union. She was the only cousin I had this bond with. Siya lang din kasi ang malapit ang edad sa amin ni Kuya.

Hindi rin siya gaano nagbabanggit ng mga nangyayari sa pamilya namin sa Cavite. I prefer not knowing anything about them anymore. Letting go of the need to understand them has given me the space to breathe, to focus on myself and my own healing.

"Kumusta ka pala r'yan? Hindi ba enrollan niyo na this week?" tanong niya.

I sat in the chair on the balcony, facing the ocean view while sipping the iced coffee I had made for myself earlier.