Redamancy ; k.l.

veintiuno - 21

@LosAngel

I pressed the record button on my camera, then walked around the tripod and sat on the floor on my fuzzy carpet in front of it. I inhaled deeply, closing my eyes and exhaling shakily, opening my eye to the camera.

"Hello everyone, it's Angeles in case you forgot about me. I'm so sorry I've been gone so long without any warning. I just needed some space from the world while I was doing some thinking.
So as you can see, I look a little different, I dyed my hair, it's blue and silver! I filled in my sleeve tattoo... actually... I got a sleeve tattoo, shout out to Romeo. It looks amazing, but it's not done yet... and right now I'm stalling like crazy.
So if you didn't see by the title of this video, I'm here to give you an explanation, in full excruciating detail as to why I've been gone for two months and not said a word.
Umm... I'm not sure where to begin with this.
I think, the more I stall, and the more I try to come up with a dignified way of saying this, the crazier it's gonna end up sounding, and I'm still stalling so I'm just gonna go ahead and say it;"

My eyes were brimming with tears, and I could feel my nose annoyingly prick informing I was about to cry. Thanks, but the tears already kind of gave it away!

"Two months ago, November seventh, I attempted to take my own life... for the fifth time in my life."

I took a long pause, staring directly into the lens, as if I could see my audience through the camera reacting. I could see so many different outbursts; gasps, widened eyes, hands covering faces, immediate tears, a scream or two. They pierced my heart like daggers, but they deserved the truth. My gaze drifted upwards to my desk, where there sat a framed photo of Jc, Kian and I with Wishbone, Hazel and Tag after we hiked up this beautiful canyon and went off-roading in Jc's jeep. My eyes pricked and a tear glided down my cheek. They all deserved the truth.

"So I sit here today, well and alive to explain everything. It's gonna be a long story, and if you really don't care, please, I invite you to X out and go do something else with your day. I'm not doing this under any form of seeking attention, this is just... my story. And I'm gonna get emotional, and I'm gonna cry, and maybe scream or throw a pillow, but I guess it's part of the healing process.
Okay, so, when I was thirteen, starting high school, in Canada that's grade seven, year one, I didn't have many friends. Real friends. I wasn't nervous or shy, I just didn't know how to act around people. I, myself, wanted to be a people pleaser, but apparently I wasn't very good at pleasing people. So it was hard to find a group where I fit in.

But for two years, I wouldn't say I hung out with them, it was more of me tagging along with them. Anyway, I stuck with the 'popular crew', the girls and the guys that everyone wanted to be, and be around, and be friends with, the kids who went to parties and did stuff that astounded even me. After two years, I ended up moving squads and I started actually hanging out with a small group of friends I'd known for a while. And for a year, we were good, we were all attached at the hip and we were best friends. But most importantly, I trusted them all.

Then it came time to switch campuses into grade nine, year three, and everything went downhill. That group of friends got into drugs, and I wanted nothing to do with it. So they'd leave at lunch and go do their thing and leave me stranded alone and sometimes crying in the bathroom. I felt completely alone, and in the middle of that school year was my first attempt at suicide. I overdosed. I was hospitalized, had my stomach pumped, and all in all, it wasn't a good experience. None of my 'friends' had heard anything about it, so they never visited and never found out about it. I came up with a whole story as to why I was gone a few days, but they didn't even bother asking anyways.