fade into you || d.m

thirst

A song for the chapter: A New Kind Of Love - Demo - Frou Frou, Imogen Heap, Guy Sigsworth

13.2.1997

Dear stupid diary,

It's Friday the 13th today. Superstitious people believe it's the day of bad luck, but I haven't noticed anything different from my usual unlucky life. Maybe I'm superstitious as well, since I just knocked on wood so I wouldn't get karma for my words or something.

I'm sitting in the furthest corner of the library. It's filled with dust and spider webs, but I've grown fond of it. After all, it is the spider's home that I'm invading, is it not? I should treat it with respect, if anything.

Miles and I have been okay. We've been dating for three weeks now, but in all honesty, it has felt longer. It has been exhausting and tiring sometimes, but I don't know how to leave. Maybe I don't deserve to leave. Miles says that he loves me, which is probably sweet, but I don't think he means it. He sees me as an object where he can fulfil all of his desires. Or perhaps it is love, how would I know anyways? I've never been in love with someone, so I have nothing to compare it to. But I don't think love is shouting and calling your loved one mean names.

If this is what love feels like, maybe I'm glad that Voldemort will kill me soon, so I don't have to endure something like that for the rest of my life.

I shouldn't have said that, sorry.

My friends are worried about me, I know it. I see them sharing glances at each other when I'm with Miles or don't eat my food. They are right, they should be worried, but I don't know how to accept their help. I don't even know how to break up with Miles, because I'm so scared. I've figured out so far that it has nothing to do with me if he decides to yell at me or not. He is just angry all the time. I should've seen the signs when I first met him.

Astoria and Pansy are questioning the bruises. Miles said that I've been very clumsy lately, and I believe him, because I have no memory of him ever hitting me. I've had some memory blackouts lately; I'm probably losing my mind. Sometimes Miles and I fight, and the next thing I know, we are cuddling in his bed, and my body hurts.

I am going insane. Voldemort is probably playing tricks in my mind.

Even Draco seems worried about me. Maybe I should leave.

I miss Fleur, Uncle Moony, Sirius, and my mum badly. My letter is still unanswered, and it hurts my heart. I hope that my mum is not already dead because I don't know what I'd do if I were to lose her. I'd probably kill mys-  No, I wouldn't. But it's not like it would cause any harm if I were to do it. I am bound to die anyway.

I miss Harry. He is my twin brother, basically my other half. I'm not able to talk with him that much anymore, and it's all because of Miles. Maybe I will do it after all. Maybe I will break up with Miles.

I'm probably pathetic, but I'll stay with him for a few days more because otherwise I wouldn't have a date to the Valentine's Ball. It's my turn to use him for my needs.

Elwia closed her diary and put her ballpoint pen down. She didn't like writing with a quill in her diary because the pages always got messy when her tears hit the paper.

"Elwia, I've been looking for you for many days." A young girl's voice called out.

In front of Elwia stood Poppy with a small smile on her face, holding three thick books in her hands. The red-haired girl's eyes lit up at the sight of Poppy, and she quickly stood up and put her diary in her bag.

"Hey, Poppy. It's good to see you. How have you been doing?" Elwia asked sympathetically.

"Mum's funeral will be next weekend. I'll be off school probably the whole week." Poppy answered with a sigh.