251. Life is like a bowel movement, it’s still gonna happen whether your shit’s together or not.
252. I listen to the first 30-45 seconds of a butt dial like I’m an FBI agent in a surveillance van.
253. Know why single women are so thin? They come home, look in the fridge, and go to bed. Married women come home, look in the bed, and go to the fridge.
254. I wish there was a medium version of caps lock so you can show you’re enthusiastic about what your saying but its not mistaken for angry yelling.
255. I can no longer “drop it like it’s hot”, so I “squat like it’s warm”.
256. Always keep several Get Well cards on the mantel. If unexpected guests arrive, they’ll think you’ve been sick and unable to clean.
257. I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
258. I dare you to wink as much in real life as you do online.
259. My credit card company called…they want me to leave home without it.
260. Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you can’t use any swear words.
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