401. Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
404. My mother just learned how to put emoticons in her texts and now it’s like trying to read hieroglyphics.
408. It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”
410. My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
429. There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it’s their turn.
439. It’s funny how fast you can wake up when you realize you’ve overslept.
460. Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
466. I have two feelings, it’s either “I’m hungry” or “I shouldn’t have eaten this much”
486. I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
499. I hate being tickled, I do not think it is cute, I do not find it funny, I will kick you in the face.
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