IKIGAI Series #1: Estranghero

28

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The door slammed behind her and for the first time in hours, I was alone.

This kind of alone... was the one that presses heavy on your chest, wraps around your throat, and makes you realize-you might not make it out of this.

Nakatali pa rin ako sa upuan. Mahapdi na rin ang mga pulsuhan ko dahil sa higpit ng pagkakakadena na parang bumaon na ang bakal sa balat ko. Ramdam ko ang nanuyong luha sa pisngi ko humalo na sa hapdi ng sampal na iniwan ng palad niya kanina.

And then came the wave. Everything hit me at once.

My uncle or-whoever the hell he was. The man who wore my dad's face like a haunted memory. A face I never imagined would hurt to look at. A face I've missed every single day since my father died. And now... now that same face stared at me earlier like I was nothing but a pawn in some lifelong revenge plot.

He said he was my dad's twin. Pero bakit ni minsan, hindi siya nabanggit ni Mommy? Not even once.

Not a story and not a photo especially a passing line about a brother.

It felt wrong. Like a page had been ripped out of my own life without my permission. Like a shadow I never knew was hiding in the background just stepped into the spotlight.

I shook my head, trying to clear it, but another storm followed. Siguro ay ito ang rason kung bakit hindi ko dapat siya makilala. This is the reason why it's not important for me to know him.

Bu then, I remember that girl. The psycho who slapped me na sinigawan ako and even blamed me on something. Kiernan's ex girlfriend.

Ni hindi ko alam na nagkaroon siya ng gano'n. I mean, alam kong nagka-girlfriend siya dati. Hindi naman talaga namin napag-uusapan ang nakaraan niya sa gan'ung paraan, pero pinagkatiwalaan ko siya. He told me I was his peace. Na dumating ako na parang katahimikan after that storm.

But I didn't know the storm had a name and eyes that burned like knives.

She said she used to be someone in his life. That she waited. That she was his. But love doesn't look like that. Love doesn't slam doors or tie people up or spit venom between tears. Love doesn't force itself into someone who already closed the door.

She kept calling me names. Sinasabi nilang inagaw ko siya. That I infected him. But how can I steal someone who chose me?

Kiernan never hid me. Hindi niya ako pinaramdam na sikreto lang ako. He said I made him better. So what really happened between them? What kind of relationship did they have? Why did she break like that? Why is she still so... obsessed? And yet here I am-the one he stayed with. The one he chose.

But what if he only stayed because he didn't know how to say goodbye? What if she was the one he let go, but never really let go of?

Hindi. Hindi ko dapat nilalason ang utak ko ngayon just because I didn't know the whole story behind it.

I have to believe in what we have. I have to hold on to the version of him who kissed me goodnight. The one who looked at me after my physics exam like I just made the stars align. But God... I wish he were here. I wish I could just hear his voice right now, even just to tell me he's on the way.

But I know he's not coming. Hindi pa sa ngayon because he doesn't even know I'm missing. Not yet. The silence felt different this time.

Hindi na siya yung tahimik na parang walang laman. It was the kind of silence na may bigat na parang humihinga kasama mo. The type that presses against your skin, like it's waiting for your next move.