IKIGAI Series #1: Estranghero

37

[VOTE, COMMENT, FOLLOW]

The door had barely clicked shut when the weight of it all came crashing down on my chest.

I stayed frozen in my chair, staring at the grain of the wooden table like it was the only thing holding me together.

Miguel sat across from me quietly, not saying anything at first but just observing me. His elbows rested on the edge of the table, and his eyes, usually playful, were now laced with something heavier.

Understanding and maybe... a little bit of hurt.

"Elio," he finally said, voice calm, "You okay?"

I nodded. It was a lie. But I nodded anyway. He leaned forward a little more, resting his chin on his clasped hands.

"I know I'm not the smartest guy in the room, especially when you're in it," he said lightly, "But I'd have to be blind not to notice that wasn't just a business meeting."

I didn't reply because he was right. It never was.

Miguel sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "That was... him, wasn't it?"

I looked up slowly, surprised he even knew.

He gave me a sad smile. "Kiernan."

"Yeah," I finally said, my voice lower than I meant it to be. "That was him."

He nodded, eyes softening. "He looked like he meant something. Still does."

I didn't say anything because silence was safer than any words I could possibly give right now. Hindi siya matingnan diretso dahil sa hiya.

"Look," he continued, "I know we've been together for almost two years now. And I know things started between us in a weird way. But I need to ask you something."

I braced myself. Here it comes.

"Do you still love him?"

I swallowed hard. The air felt thicker.

"Anong klaseng tanong 'yan?" Natatawang saad ko kahit hindi naman nakakatawa. He smiled a little bit pero agad ding naglaho at sumeryoso ulit ang mukha.

"I can see it in your eyes, Eli." Tumikhim ako at mariing napapikit.

"I... don't know-hindi ko alam," I admitted, my fingers nervously tracing the edge of my chair.

Miguel just nodded. No anger. No raised voice. No bitterness. Just quiet. Real quiet.

"Okay," he said. That broke me more than a shout ever could.

"You're not mad?" I asked, confused.

"I'd be lying if I said it didn't sting," he said, sitting back. "But I'm not mad. I love you, Elio. That means I don't want to own your feelings. I just want to be a place where they're safe."

I looked at him.

And maybe for the first time, I saw just how much this man really loved me.

He wasn't trying to win.

He wasn't asking me to forget.

He was just... here.

Patient. Present. Enough.

"Miguel... I'm s-sorry." Kinuha ko ang kamay niya at hold it tighter. Sana pala hindi ko pa siya pinahintay pa ng ilang taon at sana hindi ko ito hinayaang maumpisahang lumala. Ayokong makasakit ng damdamin ng tao dahil naranasan ko na ang tama nun but kung ano yung ikinakatakot ko ay ako na mismo ang nagiging dahilan bakit iyon nangyayari.